time to reinvent normal

doing fundraising for a non-profit and being an auntie to 6, normal is...well...always getting a facelift. this last week though, i fell through an emotional trap door (with hormonal hinges - no wonder it gave way) and have realized quite clearly that life is about to look very different.

my cowgirl blood often stirs up a restless desire for change, for a new challenge, for more variety. and it's usually satisfied by a visit to a new town, rearranging some furniture, or crafting a new project. this time, i didn't see it coming and none of those solutions will work.

i've spent the last five years pouring all my time and life into a non-profit that houses young single moms and their little ones. i've lived with them, cooked for them, cried and prayed with them and for them, driven them places, planned the structure of their days at the program, and most recently told others about them and sought to raise money to keep the home for them going. as is the nature of most non-profits, the staff are there for the love and passion of its mission, not the paycheck. it's been the perfect job for the 20-something girl when housing was included, but i am no longer 20-something and housing is no longer included. i've been telling myself there's no way this should be working financially, and now that side jobs and savings have been expended, it is no longer working. my schedule needs reinventing.

my car has decided that now is the perfect time to also stop working. a 4 year track record was enough, apparantly. i'm still waiting to hear from the 3rd mechanic in as many weeks what needs reinvented this time.

my sister and i have been [correction - my sister has been] running an etsy shop. and that is no longer working. my part is not working. i want to draw out a long list of rational reasons why not, but it's just not. i've not made it work, nor have i been consistent with it. our partnership and the business itself need reinventing. that conversation released the latch on the trapdoor late monday night and the rest followed throughout the week.

i've simply sat with all of this for long moments this past week, thinking. evaluating. asking questions. wallowing. being overwhelmed. thinking in circles. working to decide what needs quitting because it is a dead end and what needs to be pressed into in order to get through the slump to the next level.

in it all, i keep thinking that without it all, i'd never remember my need for God's grace, presence and provision. he and i have been on a journey this past year-and-a-half to align my hopes and expectations. we've worked through my abilities and perceived identity at my job, some friend relationships and now we are working on my finances. he is taking things beyond my control and reminding me:

[do not] to set [your] hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy... do good, be rich in good works, be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for [yourself] as a good foundation for the future, so that [you] may take hold of that which is truly life. [1 Tim 6:17-19]

truth is, i need more work. truth is, God will provide. he always has.

today, i:

worked from home on the next fundraiser
did some job hunting online - people advertise for weird stuff
asked my neighbor to take me to drop off my car
staked my tomatoes and peppers in the garden
mulched the flower beds
caught up with a friend i haven't talked to in months
hemmed the dining room drapes after 5 months of awkward puddling on the floor
made the hemming easier by raising the curtain rod several inches. it makes the wall look bigger
finished a book about when to quit and when not to
worked on some sewing projects that i thought up during church a couple weeks ago - what can i say a friend's shirt inspired me
and now here i sit

tomorrow a lovely friend is letting me borrow her car and i will return to the office and also do some in person job hunting. at this point i'm thinking non-profit part time and something else part time. i'm considering quite the range of ideas

painting and restoring houses - their insides
sewing costumes
cooking
waitressing
pizza delivery
factory assembly line
grocery store
catering
pretzel maker
egg packer

who knows what it'll be
i think i'm beyond the - 'ohcrapineedtodosoemthingdifferent'
and am recharged and ready to consider any direction
for tomorrow
that's all i can handle