Wednesday, January 27, 2010

my imagination is not big enough

Over the last three weeks a friend and co-worker of mine had her pregnancy turn from joyful expectation to fearful uncertainty. Sure people were saying, "Are you sure you're not due till March? Are you sure there's only one baby in there?" People always say such things. Then the doctors started saying things...

Last Thursday, I read this:
"The baby has a serious condition called fetal hydrops, which means he/she has a lot of fluid accumulated in his/her body. Based on today's ultrasound, the baby has fluid accumulation all over: under the scalp, pockets in the chest (which are compressing the lungs and more than likely have not allowed the lungs to develop fully), throughout the legs...everywhere. There is also too much amniotic fluid surrounding the baby..."

And all the testing and waiting ensued. Regardless of the testing, they were told that she would more than likely go into labor before the due date and that the prognosis was not good.

Today she reached 32 weeks.
Today she delivered her baby boy, Josiah, via emergency c-section.
Today they are still here.
Today Josiah is with Jesus.

Have you ever really wrestled with God? For yourself?
How about for someone else? For someone else's life?
Today I found myself thinking, "Where do I get off telling God to do what He wants with someone else? Can I do that?"
I would take a breath to begin a prayer and find my chest totally constricted and my mind empty of words.
Just a deep aching question chained to my heart.
It's one thing to ask God to do for you what would bring Him the most glory, best reveal His holiness. It's something else to begin to say that for someone else.

What do I know of holy?

I think the right question, the only question is: Where is God in my question?
I can't imagine that.
I keep hesitating every time I go to do something "normal" like talk with a friend, or read, or write, or eat.
These things will never be the same for them.
What do I know.

My dear. sweet. strong. beautiful. friend. If you read this in the weeks to come, know that I cry with you; I ache with you, as best I can imagine.

God keeps telling me that He is. And that is enough.
I pray He holds you and your family tonight and tells you the same.

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