Thursday, June 23, 2011
snapshot
On behalf of work, I attended a festival hosted by a local church as a community outreach. Most of the pictures from the day are amateur snapshots - I wasn't particularly trying for anything else. However, this grabbed my attention. A lovely, older couple was churning homemade ice cream by using a green John Deere tractor. I have to confess the ice cream was almost as good as Grandma Johnson's, but not quite. First, hers was peach. Second, it was hers. This view still reminded me of Grandpas long gone, teasing Uncles at family holidays, and far away places. It inspires visions of a home that used to be and of one of my own that is yet to come.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
all the ladies
No.
No. This has nothing to do with the Beyonce song. Well, except that it challenges the worldview it portrays.
Every time this girl writes, I think, "Dang girl!"
She's that good.
This is especially good. I've read it a couple times already and will need to so again to really get it.
See the sneak peek below. Then read the whole article. Twice.
No. This has nothing to do with the Beyonce song. Well, except that it challenges the worldview it portrays.
Every time this girl writes, I think, "Dang girl!"
She's that good.
This is especially good. I've read it a couple times already and will need to so again to really get it.
See the sneak peek below. Then read the whole article. Twice.
We hide. We hide because it is easier to hide than to be known. We’ve eaten off the tree of knowledge and now we think we know.
Yet still He seeks us. Pursues us. Finds us, shivering and scratching under the weight of man-made garments and expectations. I’m there. Are you too?
All because we added to what God said. He gave good boundaries and we made them smaller and tighter, thinking that more rules will keep us safer. God has said don’t eat of the fruit, but we think that it’s safer to just not touch it at all?
This is our great sin. This is our great fall.
We add to what God has said and the boundaries become cages. We imagine He is a harsher God than He is.
We eat the fruit thinking it will make us like God and really all it does is make us into our own god. And we are powerless gods, always trying to find things to bulk us, beautify us, fix us.
Monday, June 13, 2011
time to reinvent normal
doing fundraising for a non-profit and being an auntie to 6, normal is...well...always getting a facelift. this last week though, i fell through an emotional trap door (with hormonal hinges - no wonder it gave way) and have realized quite clearly that life is about to look very different.
my cowgirl blood often stirs up a restless desire for change, for a new challenge, for more variety. and it's usually satisfied by a visit to a new town, rearranging some furniture, or crafting a new project. this time, i didn't see it coming and none of those solutions will work.
i've spent the last five years pouring all my time and life into a non-profit that houses young single moms and their little ones. i've lived with them, cooked for them, cried and prayed with them and for them, driven them places, planned the structure of their days at the program, and most recently told others about them and sought to raise money to keep the home for them going. as is the nature of most non-profits, the staff are there for the love and passion of its mission, not the paycheck. it's been the perfect job for the 20-something girl when housing was included, but i am no longer 20-something and housing is no longer included. i've been telling myself there's no way this should be working financially, and now that side jobs and savings have been expended, it is no longer working. my schedule needs reinventing.
my car has decided that now is the perfect time to also stop working. a 4 year track record was enough, apparantly. i'm still waiting to hear from the 3rd mechanic in as many weeks what needs reinvented this time.
my sister and i have been [correction - my sister has been] running an etsy shop. and that is no longer working. my part is not working. i want to draw out a long list of rational reasons why not, but it's just not. i've not made it work, nor have i been consistent with it. our partnership and the business itself need reinventing. that conversation released the latch on the trapdoor late monday night and the rest followed throughout the week.
i've simply sat with all of this for long moments this past week, thinking. evaluating. asking questions. wallowing. being overwhelmed. thinking in circles. working to decide what needs quitting because it is a dead end and what needs to be pressed into in order to get through the slump to the next level.
in it all, i keep thinking that without it all, i'd never remember my need for God's grace, presence and provision. he and i have been on a journey this past year-and-a-half to align my hopes and expectations. we've worked through my abilities and perceived identity at my job, some friend relationships and now we are working on my finances. he is taking things beyond my control and reminding me:
[do not] to set [your] hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy... do good, be rich in good works, be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for [yourself] as a good foundation for the future, so that [you] may take hold of that which is truly life. [1 Tim 6:17-19]
truth is, i need more work. truth is, God will provide. he always has.
today, i:
worked from home on the next fundraiser
did some job hunting online - people advertise for weird stuff
asked my neighbor to take me to drop off my car
staked my tomatoes and peppers in the garden
mulched the flower beds
caught up with a friend i haven't talked to in months
hemmed the dining room drapes after 5 months of awkward puddling on the floor
made the hemming easier by raising the curtain rod several inches. it makes the wall look bigger
finished a book about when to quit and when not to
worked on some sewing projects that i thought up during church a couple weeks ago - what can i say a friend's shirt inspired me
and now here i sit
tomorrow a lovely friend is letting me borrow her car and i will return to the office and also do some in person job hunting. at this point i'm thinking non-profit part time and something else part time. i'm considering quite the range of ideas
painting and restoring houses - their insides
sewing costumes
cooking
waitressing
pizza delivery
factory assembly line
grocery store
catering
pretzel maker
egg packer
who knows what it'll be
i think i'm beyond the - 'ohcrapineedtodosoemthingdifferent'
and am recharged and ready to consider any direction
for tomorrow
that's all i can handle
my cowgirl blood often stirs up a restless desire for change, for a new challenge, for more variety. and it's usually satisfied by a visit to a new town, rearranging some furniture, or crafting a new project. this time, i didn't see it coming and none of those solutions will work.
i've spent the last five years pouring all my time and life into a non-profit that houses young single moms and their little ones. i've lived with them, cooked for them, cried and prayed with them and for them, driven them places, planned the structure of their days at the program, and most recently told others about them and sought to raise money to keep the home for them going. as is the nature of most non-profits, the staff are there for the love and passion of its mission, not the paycheck. it's been the perfect job for the 20-something girl when housing was included, but i am no longer 20-something and housing is no longer included. i've been telling myself there's no way this should be working financially, and now that side jobs and savings have been expended, it is no longer working. my schedule needs reinventing.
my car has decided that now is the perfect time to also stop working. a 4 year track record was enough, apparantly. i'm still waiting to hear from the 3rd mechanic in as many weeks what needs reinvented this time.
my sister and i have been [correction - my sister has been] running an etsy shop. and that is no longer working. my part is not working. i want to draw out a long list of rational reasons why not, but it's just not. i've not made it work, nor have i been consistent with it. our partnership and the business itself need reinventing. that conversation released the latch on the trapdoor late monday night and the rest followed throughout the week.
i've simply sat with all of this for long moments this past week, thinking. evaluating. asking questions. wallowing. being overwhelmed. thinking in circles. working to decide what needs quitting because it is a dead end and what needs to be pressed into in order to get through the slump to the next level.
in it all, i keep thinking that without it all, i'd never remember my need for God's grace, presence and provision. he and i have been on a journey this past year-and-a-half to align my hopes and expectations. we've worked through my abilities and perceived identity at my job, some friend relationships and now we are working on my finances. he is taking things beyond my control and reminding me:
[do not] to set [your] hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy... do good, be rich in good works, be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for [yourself] as a good foundation for the future, so that [you] may take hold of that which is truly life. [1 Tim 6:17-19]
truth is, i need more work. truth is, God will provide. he always has.
today, i:
worked from home on the next fundraiser
did some job hunting online - people advertise for weird stuff
asked my neighbor to take me to drop off my car
staked my tomatoes and peppers in the garden
mulched the flower beds
caught up with a friend i haven't talked to in months
hemmed the dining room drapes after 5 months of awkward puddling on the floor
made the hemming easier by raising the curtain rod several inches. it makes the wall look bigger
finished a book about when to quit and when not to
worked on some sewing projects that i thought up during church a couple weeks ago - what can i say a friend's shirt inspired me
and now here i sit
tomorrow a lovely friend is letting me borrow her car and i will return to the office and also do some in person job hunting. at this point i'm thinking non-profit part time and something else part time. i'm considering quite the range of ideas
painting and restoring houses - their insides
sewing costumes
cooking
waitressing
pizza delivery
factory assembly line
grocery store
catering
pretzel maker
egg packer
who knows what it'll be
i think i'm beyond the - 'ohcrapineedtodosoemthingdifferent'
and am recharged and ready to consider any direction
for tomorrow
that's all i can handle
Sunday, June 12, 2011
playing school
"this is the pet house where they go to the [sic] doctow's"
"no.
big.
boys.
allowed!"
teacher princess lola
the childrens
"they will sit here, like this, and each one will have a toy friend."
"I need more childrens," she says as she dives her whole self into the basket to retrieve them.
"in the story if our family, this is the part where you, me and IZ go to the [sic] pawk"
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
because life can't be organized into labeled jars
Oh God of heaven come and hem me in
Gather the pieces that are broken
Show me the wonder of You again
Oh God of heaven
God of my hope God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
In all creation You call my name
In all the beauty that this world displays
Still I'm the one for whom Your heart aches
In all creation
God of my hope God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
God of my everything
And when the mountains shake
You are my God You never change
And when the earth gives way
You are still God You never change
God of my hope God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
God of my everything
God of my everything
God of my everything
Oh God of heaven come and hem me in
Gather the pieces that are broken
Show me the wonder of You again
Thursday, February 3, 2011
fire & ice
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Robert Frost
Thursday, August 12, 2010
saturate my soul, I prayed...
...this morning as it rained.
This is what He brought to mind:
Psalm 16
You Will Not Abandon My Soul
A Miktam of David.
"1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips.
5 The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.
10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption.
11 You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
NIV translates verse 5, "LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure", which is equally true as the format above. I like the ESV because it highlights the truth that the portion He has assigned me is Himself. I keep stopping my work to come back and re-read this chapter, feeling it envelope my soul. The life present in this Scripture (Hebrews 4:11-13) is especially dear this morning as responsibility looms and humanity is evident.
"Beloved friend [sic], I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul propsereth." III John 2
How is your soul today?
This is what He brought to mind:
Psalm 16
You Will Not Abandon My Soul
A Miktam of David.
"1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips.
5 The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.
10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption.
11 You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
NIV translates verse 5, "LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure", which is equally true as the format above. I like the ESV because it highlights the truth that the portion He has assigned me is Himself. I keep stopping my work to come back and re-read this chapter, feeling it envelope my soul. The life present in this Scripture (Hebrews 4:11-13) is especially dear this morning as responsibility looms and humanity is evident.
"Beloved friend [sic], I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul propsereth." III John 2
How is your soul today?
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
help me love You most, I prayed
I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face
‘Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer;
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair
I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest
Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part
Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed
Cast out my feelings, laid me low
Lord, why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way" the Lord replied
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"
"These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me."
- John Newton
"...it seems that His servants who are used in special ways often experience commensurate trials. These trials are simultaneously burdens God gives to keep them utterly dependent; and thorns which pin back the veil that hides His face. In a fallen world, they are gifts." - Sono Harris
In faith and love and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face
‘Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer;
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair
I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest
Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part
Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed
Cast out my feelings, laid me low
Lord, why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way" the Lord replied
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"
"These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me."
- John Newton
"...it seems that His servants who are used in special ways often experience commensurate trials. These trials are simultaneously burdens God gives to keep them utterly dependent; and thorns which pin back the veil that hides His face. In a fallen world, they are gifts." - Sono Harris
Thursday, July 22, 2010
simplicity: reduction
I still remember when all my belongings fit in my car after I graduated from college. Born to a long line of creative hoarders, that didn't last long. I had recently expected to do an art workshop for a local kids club; much to my delight the files of 'Teaching Elementary Art' from the spring of 199_ something would finally be put to use. But alas, plans change. I wouldn't need the files after all, but having the box out of the attic gave me a good reason to go through it anyway. Looking through art lessons, ideas, and practice peresentations brought back all the thoughts and feelings of preparing to teach. This little bit of cleaning out sent me digging through other files and collections of notes, ideas and syllabi. Did I mention that I graudated college in 2002. Yes, I've been carting this stuff around. I might USE it someday. Anyway, I kept a few art ideas and the rest of the 12" stack of paper is now reduced to one sheet of paper. It is the back cover from a missions conference packet. It reads:
Goals:
globally aware
personally connected
strategically involved
Ephesians 5 Re: God's Will
No desires apart from Christ
No ambition apart from His will
No thought apart from His Word
No act without His approval
No alternative from a lifetime of devotion and service
No opportunity but the door of the Gospel
No higher call than His voice.
Adapted
Carson Fremont
4.7.02
[Carson Fremont was one of my favorite missionary speakers. Google him. I tried, wondering if he is still living and what he is doing now. Last I knew, 8 years ago, he was 70 or 80 something and still teaching English in the universities in China. You won't find much online. He's too busy living his creed.]
2 Timothy 2:21
My hands off His life.
Fitting piece to save, don't ya think?
Goals:
globally aware
personally connected
strategically involved
Ephesians 5 Re: God's Will
No desires apart from Christ
No ambition apart from His will
No thought apart from His Word
No act without His approval
No alternative from a lifetime of devotion and service
No opportunity but the door of the Gospel
No higher call than His voice.
Adapted
Carson Fremont
4.7.02
[Carson Fremont was one of my favorite missionary speakers. Google him. I tried, wondering if he is still living and what he is doing now. Last I knew, 8 years ago, he was 70 or 80 something and still teaching English in the universities in China. You won't find much online. He's too busy living his creed.]
2 Timothy 2:21
My hands off His life.
Fitting piece to save, don't ya think?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
everything is in between
ahem.
tap.
tap.
this thing on?
it's covered in cobwebs, that's for sure.
there's much to catch up on and i'm about to start by posting lyrics to a song that i suddenly found moving my soul in a way that will likely make sense to only me. life feels...just...so different lately. there are startling moments where adulthood stares me in the eye and others where i'm still 14 and have no idea what i'm doing. regardless, it's changing. the fullness of the last year has come and gone like a breath and i am standing at the bend in the road, remembering the sweet, sweet sounds, smells, laughter and tears of it all.
this song just popped up in itunes a minute ago and arrested my attention from the thank you notes for the most recent funraiser hosted by my workplace that i've been slowly working my way through today.
i feel like much in my life is about to change although much will also remain the same. i want to go curl up on the porch furniture with a glass of iced coffee and linger and reminisce for as long as it takes to sort it out. but i hardly have that kind of time today. thank yous, after all.
so for now:
the end
jason reeves
(i think it's better if you listen. i'll leave that up to you.)
the end is such a scary place to start
everything is torn apart
and i don't know where to go from here
in the end, there's no reason to pretend
i know you won't be back again
i gotta find a way from here..
i don't know where i'll fall down
but i'm sure to hit the ground..
cause it's not over till it's over
every ending's a new beginning
one more chance to get it right
one more chance to get it wrong
its not over till it's over
sometime's nowhere leads to somewhere
and it all starts again
in the end
and it's such a scary place to be
everything is in between
and i don't know where to go from here
in the end i see it's all up to me
to figure out where i should be
im gonna find a way from here
i dont know where i'll fall down
but im sure to hit the ground...
-------
when it's all said and done. no one is leaving. and the only time i'll hit the ground is to fall to my knees and tell my savior all about the things in my heart. the pending changes are all part of his providence anyway. life will be all the richer and fuller for it. i know that he is present in every in between. in the mean time i will try to pace myself in the busyness and savor every moment of the now that is mine.
tap.
tap.
this thing on?
it's covered in cobwebs, that's for sure.
there's much to catch up on and i'm about to start by posting lyrics to a song that i suddenly found moving my soul in a way that will likely make sense to only me. life feels...just...so different lately. there are startling moments where adulthood stares me in the eye and others where i'm still 14 and have no idea what i'm doing. regardless, it's changing. the fullness of the last year has come and gone like a breath and i am standing at the bend in the road, remembering the sweet, sweet sounds, smells, laughter and tears of it all.
this song just popped up in itunes a minute ago and arrested my attention from the thank you notes for the most recent funraiser hosted by my workplace that i've been slowly working my way through today.
i feel like much in my life is about to change although much will also remain the same. i want to go curl up on the porch furniture with a glass of iced coffee and linger and reminisce for as long as it takes to sort it out. but i hardly have that kind of time today. thank yous, after all.
so for now:
the end
jason reeves
(i think it's better if you listen. i'll leave that up to you.)
the end is such a scary place to start
everything is torn apart
and i don't know where to go from here
in the end, there's no reason to pretend
i know you won't be back again
i gotta find a way from here..
i don't know where i'll fall down
but i'm sure to hit the ground..
cause it's not over till it's over
every ending's a new beginning
one more chance to get it right
one more chance to get it wrong
its not over till it's over
sometime's nowhere leads to somewhere
and it all starts again
in the end
and it's such a scary place to be
everything is in between
and i don't know where to go from here
in the end i see it's all up to me
to figure out where i should be
im gonna find a way from here
i dont know where i'll fall down
but im sure to hit the ground...
-------
when it's all said and done. no one is leaving. and the only time i'll hit the ground is to fall to my knees and tell my savior all about the things in my heart. the pending changes are all part of his providence anyway. life will be all the richer and fuller for it. i know that he is present in every in between. in the mean time i will try to pace myself in the busyness and savor every moment of the now that is mine.
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