Everything but the Kitchen Sink

revamp announced

2012-01-02T01:06:00.000-05:00

please direct your attention here:

rachelbethproductions.tumblr.com

suggestions for a title are welcome
you may email them to considerjesuschrist@yahoo.com or facebook

I missed it.

2011-10-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

Snuggled up with just the right weight of mug filled with piping hot coffee, wrapped in my favorite sweater, I read, "Give to the one who begs from you..." Suddenly, dramatically the camera pans out to a birds-eye view, the bottom drops out of my soul, and eternity weighs down.

I missed it.

I had art to pick up, coffee to buy, friends to collect from the airport...I didn't have time. I clenched my purse straps closer to my shoulder, mustered my most compassionate look, and said, "No, I'm sorry."

I can still see her face when I close my eyes.

I see her with face weathered by time and most likely substance abuse, as she hovers near the edge of the sidewalk on Prince St. on the line before the art district starts. One foot in her world, one in ours. Lines define the edges of her eyes, dark, flat and empty. She extends a palm and asks soflty through cracked lips and missing teeth, "Pardon me miss, could you spare a dollar so I could get a hamburger at MacDonalds?"

I scanned her dirty jeans, holey flannel shirt and ragged gesture. I didn't have time. I had a dollar. I would have taken her to get the sandwich, but I didn't have time, I told myself.

I missed it.

I missed sitting with another soul and giving her my time.

I missed feeding her.

I missed extending my own palm with a Savior's touch.

I missed giving her the chance for a different eternity.

I missed the kingdom of God come to earth.

photo source

revamp coming soon...

2011-09-13T21:25:00.000-05:00

In the mean time ~ I had the awesome privilege of planning the wedding for and with two of my favorite people...I'll let the pictures tell the story. Enjoy.

I could look at them all over and over. Ok, I have looked at them over and over. But this is one of my favorites.

2011-08-16T13:23:00.000-05:00

I’ve Got You
Words and music by Shaun Groves
Copyright 2010 Simplicity Street Music/ASCAP

Got nothing in my hands to part these waves
Got nothing in my bank account that saves
Got no more might left to muscle through
But Oh, I’ve got you
I’ve got you

Got demons gather ’round oh laugh it up
Spreading doubts a plenty I can’t drink this cup
Got no one left who thinks I’ll make it through
But Oh, I’ve got you
I’ve got you

Got faded memories of better days
Got a prayer that they’ll come back around my way
You’ve got me and oh that gets me through
Oh, I’ve got you
I’ve got you
Oh, I’ve got you
I’ve got you

anticipating nostalgia

2011-07-09T01:27:00.001-05:00

After hearing my sister describe a darling incident with her kids the other day, I asked her,
"Don't you wish you could just put that moment in a box and keep it?"
She agreed.
The fact that I've already forgotten the antecdote makes me wish all the more that such keepsakes were possible.

Tomorrow we celebrate the high school graduation of my oldest neice.

I'm pretty sure it was just yesterday that we celebrated this moment:

age 11?

Some days it seems like my own high school graduation is just past. Preparing for hers certainly reminds me of mine.
Like me, she will graduate from homeschool.
Like me, she will have a party with family and friends from all over, a casual affair at a family's home.
Like me, a certain relative will show up unannounced to surprise everyone.

I picked up the cupcakes from the bakery this afternoon and prepared for the surprise relative to arrive. Weather delays and airplane maintenance induce a night watch. I linger at the door, peering down the street into the night and remember the last 18 years.

Tomorrow [erm. this afternoon] we will eat, and laugh and reminisce and sway with oohs and ahs as we guess which graduate is represented in already faded baby picture. We will worship and together praise God for His grace over their lives thus far, laying hands on heads and shoulders, imparting love and favor and anointing for the years to come.

I'd better tuck some tissues in my sleeve.

It was yesterday, I tell you.

2006 - the baby sister she prayed for

Eh, she was homeschooled. She'll do just fine.

breathing room for my soul

2011-06-24T08:13:00.000-05:00

photo credit Le Ballon Rouge

God the one and only -
I'll wait as long as He says.
Everything I need comes from Him,
so why not?
He's the solid rock under my feet,
breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle;
I'm set for life.
Psalm 62

snapshot

2011-06-23T10:39:00.000-05:00

On behalf of work, I attended a festival hosted by a local church as a community outreach. Most of the pictures from the day are amateur snapshots - I wasn't particularly trying for anything else. However, this grabbed my attention. A lovely, older couple was churning homemade ice cream by using a green John Deere tractor. I have to confess the ice cream was almost as good as Grandma Johnson's, but not quite. First, hers was peach. Second, it was hers. This view still reminded me of Grandpas long gone, teasing Uncles at family holidays, and far away places. It inspires visions of a home that used to be and of one of my own that is yet to come.

all the ladies

2011-06-14T09:03:00.000-05:00

No.
No. This has nothing to do with the Beyonce song. Well, except that it challenges the worldview it portrays.

Every time this girl writes, I think, "Dang girl!"
She's that good.
This is especially good. I've read it a couple times already and will need to so again to really get it.

See the sneak peek below. Then read the whole article. Twice.

We hide. We hide because it is easier to hide than to be known. We’ve eaten off the tree of knowledge and now we think we know.

Yet still He seeks us. Pursues us. Finds us, shivering and scratching under the weight of man-made garments and expectations. I’m there. Are you too?

All because we added to what God said. He gave good boundaries and we made them smaller and tighter, thinking that more rules will keep us safer. God has said don’t eat of the fruit, but we think that it’s safer to just not touch it at all?

This is our great sin. This is our great fall.

We add to what God has said and the boundaries become cages. We imagine He is a harsher God than He is.

We eat the fruit thinking it will make us like God and really all it does is make us into our own god. And we are powerless gods, always trying to find things to bulk us, beautify us, fix us.

time to reinvent normal

2011-06-13T22:58:00.003-05:00

doing fundraising for a non-profit and being an auntie to 6, normal is...well...always getting a facelift. this last week though, i fell through an emotional trap door (with hormonal hinges - no wonder it gave way) and have realized quite clearly that life is about to look very different.

my cowgirl blood often stirs up a restless desire for change, for a new challenge, for more variety. and it's usually satisfied by a visit to a new town, rearranging some furniture, or crafting a new project. this time, i didn't see it coming and none of those solutions will work.

i've spent the last five years pouring all my time and life into a non-profit that houses young single moms and their little ones. i've lived with them, cooked for them, cried and prayed with them and for them, driven them places, planned the structure of their days at the program, and most recently told others about them and sought to raise money to keep the home for them going. as is the nature of most non-profits, the staff are there for the love and passion of its mission, not the paycheck. it's been the perfect job for the 20-something girl when housing was included, but i am no longer 20-something and housing is no longer included. i've been telling myself there's no way this should be working financially, and now that side jobs and savings have been expended, it is no longer working. my schedule needs reinventing.

my car has decided that now is the perfect time to also stop working. a 4 year track record was enough, apparantly. i'm still waiting to hear from the 3rd mechanic in as many weeks what needs reinvented this time.

my sister and i have been [correction - my sister has been] running an etsy shop. and that is no longer working. my part is not working. i want to draw out a long list of rational reasons why not, but it's just not. i've not made it work, nor have i been consistent with it. our partnership and the business itself need reinventing. that conversation released the latch on the trapdoor late monday night and the rest followed throughout the week.

i've simply sat with all of this for long moments this past week, thinking. evaluating. asking questions. wallowing. being overwhelmed. thinking in circles. working to decide what needs quitting because it is a dead end and what needs to be pressed into in order to get through the slump to the next level.

in it all, i keep thinking that without it all, i'd never remember my need for God's grace, presence and provision. he and i have been on a journey this past year-and-a-half to align my hopes and expectations. we've worked through my abilities and perceived identity at my job, some friend relationships and now we are working on my finances. he is taking things beyond my control and reminding me:

[do not] to set [your] hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy... do good, be rich in good works, be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for [yourself] as a good foundation for the future, so that [you] may take hold of that which is truly life. [1 Tim 6:17-19]

truth is, i need more work. truth is, God will provide. he always has.

today, i:

worked from home on the next fundraiser
did some job hunting online - people advertise for weird stuff
asked my neighbor to take me to drop off my car
staked my tomatoes and peppers in the garden
mulched the flower beds
caught up with a friend i haven't talked to in months
hemmed the dining room drapes after 5 months of awkward puddling on the floor
made the hemming easier by raising the curtain rod several inches. it makes the wall look bigger
finished a book about when to quit and when not to
worked on some sewing projects that i thought up during church a couple weeks ago - what can i say a friend's shirt inspired me
and now here i sit

tomorrow a lovely friend is letting me borrow her car and i will return to the office and also do some in person job hunting. at this point i'm thinking non-profit part time and something else part time. i'm considering quite the range of ideas

painting and restoring houses - their insides
sewing costumes
cooking
waitressing
pizza delivery
factory assembly line
grocery store
catering
pretzel maker
egg packer

who knows what it'll be
i think i'm beyond the - 'ohcrapineedtodosoemthingdifferent'
and am recharged and ready to consider any direction
for tomorrow
that's all i can handle

playing school

2011-06-12T22:00:00.007-05:00

"this is the pet house where they go to the [sic] doctow's"

"no.
big.
boys.
allowed!"

teacher princess lola

the childrens

"they will sit here, like this, and each one will have a toy friend."

"I need more childrens," she says as she dives her whole self into the basket to retrieve them.

"in the story if our family, this is the part where you, me and IZ go to the [sic] pawk"

because life can't be organized into labeled jars

2011-03-08T17:49:00.002-05:00

Oh God of heaven come and hem me in
Gather the pieces that are broken
Show me the wonder of You again
Oh God of heaven

God of my hope God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything

In all creation You call my name
In all the beauty that this world displays
Still I'm the one for whom Your heart aches
In all creation

God of my hope God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
God of my everything

And when the mountains shake
You are my God You never change
And when the earth gives way
You are still God You never change

God of my hope God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything

God of my everything
God of my everything
God of my everything

Oh God of heaven come and hem me in
Gather the pieces that are broken
Show me the wonder of You again

fire & ice

2011-02-03T23:25:00.003-05:00

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice
Is also great

And would suffice.

Robert Frost

saturate my soul, I prayed...

2010-08-12T09:23:00.009-05:00

...this morning as it rained.

This is what He brought to mind:

Psalm 16
You Will Not Abandon My Soul
A Miktam of David.

"1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips.
5 The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.
10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption.
11 You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

NIV translates verse 5, "LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure", which is equally true as the format above. I like the ESV because it highlights the truth that the portion He has assigned me is Himself. I keep stopping my work to come back and re-read this chapter, feeling it envelope my soul. The life present in this Scripture (Hebrews 4:11-13) is especially dear this morning as responsibility looms and humanity is evident.

"Beloved friend [sic], I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul propsereth." III John 2

How is your soul today?

help me love You most, I prayed

2010-08-04T08:59:00.002-05:00

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face

‘Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer;
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way" the Lord replied
"I answer prayer for grace and faith"

"These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me."

- John Newton

"...it seems that His servants who are used in special ways often experience commensurate trials. These trials are simultaneously burdens God gives to keep them utterly dependent; and thorns which pin back the veil that hides His face. In a fallen world, they are gifts." - Sono Harris

simplicity: reduction

2010-07-22T21:29:00.002-05:00

I still remember when all my belongings fit in my car after I graduated from college. Born to a long line of creative hoarders, that didn't last long. I had recently expected to do an art workshop for a local kids club; much to my delight the files of 'Teaching Elementary Art' from the spring of 199_ something would finally be put to use. But alas, plans change. I wouldn't need the files after all, but having the box out of the attic gave me a good reason to go through it anyway. Looking through art lessons, ideas, and practice peresentations brought back all the thoughts and feelings of preparing to teach. This little bit of cleaning out sent me digging through other files and collections of notes, ideas and syllabi. Did I mention that I graudated college in 2002. Yes, I've been carting this stuff around. I might USE it someday. Anyway, I kept a few art ideas and the rest of the 12" stack of paper is now reduced to one sheet of paper. It is the back cover from a missions conference packet. It reads:

Goals:
globally aware
personally connected
strategically involved
Ephesians 5 Re: God's Will

No desires apart from Christ
No ambition apart from His will
No thought apart from His Word
No act without His approval
No alternative from a lifetime of devotion and service
No opportunity but the door of the Gospel
No higher call than His voice.

Adapted
Carson Fremont
4.7.02

[Carson Fremont was one of my favorite missionary speakers. Google him. I tried, wondering if he is still living and what he is doing now. Last I knew, 8 years ago, he was 70 or 80 something and still teaching English in the universities in China. You won't find much online. He's too busy living his creed.]

2 Timothy 2:21
My hands off His life.

Fitting piece to save, don't ya think?

everything is in between

2010-07-13T16:09:00.003-05:00

ahem.
tap.
tap.
this thing on?

it's covered in cobwebs, that's for sure.

there's much to catch up on and i'm about to start by posting lyrics to a song that i suddenly found moving my soul in a way that will likely make sense to only me. life feels...just...so different lately. there are startling moments where adulthood stares me in the eye and others where i'm still 14 and have no idea what i'm doing. regardless, it's changing. the fullness of the last year has come and gone like a breath and i am standing at the bend in the road, remembering the sweet, sweet sounds, smells, laughter and tears of it all.

this song just popped up in itunes a minute ago and arrested my attention from the thank you notes for the most recent funraiser hosted by my workplace that i've been slowly working my way through today.

i feel like much in my life is about to change although much will also remain the same. i want to go curl up on the porch furniture with a glass of iced coffee and linger and reminisce for as long as it takes to sort it out. but i hardly have that kind of time today. thank yous, after all.

so for now:

the end
jason reeves
(i think it's better if you listen. i'll leave that up to you.)

the end is such a scary place to start
everything is torn apart
and i don't know where to go from here
in the end, there's no reason to pretend
i know you won't be back again
i gotta find a way from here..

i don't know where i'll fall down
but i'm sure to hit the ground..

cause it's not over till it's over
every ending's a new beginning
one more chance to get it right
one more chance to get it wrong
its not over till it's over
sometime's nowhere leads to somewhere
and it all starts again
in the end

and it's such a scary place to be
everything is in between
and i don't know where to go from here
in the end i see it's all up to me
to figure out where i should be
im gonna find a way from here

i dont know where i'll fall down
but im sure to hit the ground...

-------
when it's all said and done. no one is leaving. and the only time i'll hit the ground is to fall to my knees and tell my savior all about the things in my heart. the pending changes are all part of his providence anyway. life will be all the richer and fuller for it. i know that he is present in every in between. in the mean time i will try to pace myself in the busyness and savor every moment of the now that is mine.

pilgrim wanderings

2010-05-28T10:01:00.002-05:00

today i'm wondering if i will ever get it through my head that God really will answer when i cry out; when i ramble on, telling him all that i know, but don't believe; all that i believe, but don't do; all that i feel, but don't have words to express; all that i hope for, but fear isn't even true. and he pours out grace and brings tears to prove it and puts melodies in my heart like:

Guide me, O thou great Jehovah,
pilgrim through this barren land.
I am weak, but thou art mighty;
hold me with thy powerful hand.
Bread of heaven, bread of heaven,
feed me till I want no more;
feed me till I want no more.

Open now the crystal fountain,
whence the healing stream doth flow;
let the fire and cloudy pillar
lead me all my journey through.
Strong deliverer, strong deliverer,
be thou still my strength and shield;
be thou still my strength and shield.

When I tread the verge of Jordan,
bid my anxious fears subside;
death of death and hell's destruction,
land me safe on Canaan's side.
Songs of praises, songs of praises,
I will ever give to thee;
I will ever give to thee.

Drink (To Disconnect)

2010-04-20T20:36:00.004-05:00

Drink (To Disconnect)
by Jimmy Ballenger

To disconnect
And live in peace
Embracing now
This sweet release

To cease and desist from asking, "Why?"
For fear that in this, my soul would die
By the underlying worry that accompanies such
When life doesn't seem to be going much
The way I'd hoped
The way I'd planned
The way I thought it would someday be
Even though I know that it still someday could

Be thankful for the things you have
You might not now, but you'd be glad
If, after waking one day to find that they're lost
The sun does not go down without their return
For family, for friends, and treasured memories
Upon which no price can be laid
No cost to be paid
Treasure these deep within your heart

Blink, think, take a drink
For a moment, but sip
Slow down the empty pace of your caffeinated life
And take in slowly
The beauty of all that is around you
And be thankful that God has given you this day
Who knows but that it could be the best day of your life
A little bit of gratitude can give you such an attitude
That you see the good in everything around
Even when it seems that all you see is darkness
Hope lies in the light at the end of the tunnel
Keep moving on

But hide yourself in accomplishments
In all that this world rewards
And ask yourself at the end of the day
When all is said and done
And after all you've said and done
You're all done
Having done
More than Einstein
More than Edison
More than any man, woman, or child that ever walked the face of this planet Earth
Are you happy?
Do you find yourself fulfilled
Having pushed away the weightier matters
Burdening your soul with the lighter substance?

But let's return to our drink
For a moment
Taking in all that you consider precious
And sip
Again
Like I said
Why not stop and enjoy this moment
Slowly
While you have it
Who knows how long you will?
And if you miss the beauty of it all, can you ever get it back?

So drink, slowly, the sweet substance of life
Even if for a moment, it may change your whole perspective
And take it in with gratefulness in your heart
Draining away all your worries and cares
And be thankful that at least you've been given this much, if nothing else
Take it from someone who's learned the hard way
Thank God, thank God, thank God for this beautiful day
It is a gift from Him just for you, and He would never take it back, no matter what
So why would you?
Drink.

"...it makes my apartment smell mossy"

2010-04-10T14:31:00.004-05:00

...can you name that movie?

Anyway, the real business at hand! One of our Re.struct products was featured on a thoughtful life. Click below to see the entire post.

a place on this earth

2010-03-21T21:59:00.007-05:00

[photo: ashleyelizabeth photography ]
Find me a place on the earth
Where a weary man can rest
And listen for your voice
In the turning seasons

A quiet place in the world
Where I can bow
And confess that I fear
Where you have brought me,
Mysterious God

All of my life
You have been with me
My comfort in loneliness
My hope in the dark
All of my life
Lord, please stay with me
Be my sustaining breath
Guardian of my heart

My days are passing by
Like falling stars
That blaze across the night sky
Then they are gone

But Father, at your side
I will never be afraid
For you have held all my days
In the palm of your hand

All of my life
You have been with me
My comfort in loneliness
My hope in the dark
All of my life
Lord, please stay with me
Be my sustaining breath
Guardian of my heart

All of my life
You have been with me
My comfort in loneliness
My hope in the dark
All of my life
Lord, please stay with me
Be my sustaining breath
Guardian of my heart

Be my sustaining breath
Guardian of my heart

Be my sustaining breath
Be my sustaining breath
Be my sustaining breath

- fernando ortega

infusion

2010-03-18T22:01:00.009-05:00

Monson, Massachusetts cannot boast of much. However, it is home to some of my all-time favorite people. And so it is to Monson that I escape as often as possible, but never often enough. This past weekend was one of those escapes.

Various members of this favorite group of people have been pestering me to come since Christmas time. The pestering follows a pattern of Katie [oldest daugher] first, Cassie [youngest daughter] next, Alyssa [mom] next, and when it's really desperate, Dan [dad] chimes in. When it starts with dad [and the uncle too]...it's serious. Between the demands of cost, car repairs and schedule it took till now to actually get there. The pestering got so serious a contract was thrown in. That's right. Contract. That's a whole 'nother post. [Hmm. Good idea.]

There is nothing in the world like arriving at this home. It starts with ascending a winding driveway bewteen tall pines, and continues with stepping out of my car, stiff from the drive to pause in the shadow of the trees, look up at the stars and breathe deep in the stillness. As I step into the garage below the house, I smile at the familiar creak and answering bang of the screen door. The windows lit in welcome above me seem to smile back. Walking through the lower hall and letting my footsteps fall on the green wooden stairs, I know that at the top I will find firelight and friends.

And so begins a weekend of simply being together. Of letting each day take it's own course. Of waking up each day to remember more updates to share over coffee, new sarcasm to inflict, and more memories to make.

Back in the quiet of my own apartment I resolve to get better pictures next time. Yet it feels that to try and photograph this essence would somehow break the spell. In no other place do I let myself so infuse into just being. You cannot photograph infusion. Perhaps someday I will try. I captured a few moments from our day in Rhode Island. Despite the freezing hurricane rain we explored a new state [for me]. We toured a Vanderbilt mansion in surreal European glamour.

The pounding surf caused us to abandon the idea of a cliff walk above the sea around the mansion neighborhood. Next time, we said. Next time and gave up on the outdoors to eat breakfast for lunch at a local cafe. Warm, full and dry for at least a little while, we walked the cobblestone streets of old Newport, ducking into an art store, a cigar shop and the army & navy outlet for brief reprieves from the weather. We wandered down to the water to the fishing wharf.

There we met Janet, counted lobster tanks, peeked in the dockmasters office [nothing else would fit, but apparantly he was in here somewhere. we saw glimpses], noticed the lack of fish in the sea, and snapped the only photo of us from the entire weekend....which was a win on the first try. All around win. We started the drive home via scenic Ocean Drive to enjoy mansions old and new. Add this city to your list of things to do.

My favorite meal...well, one of them...blue cheese-bacon burgers, chicken tortilla soup, salsa and guacamole w/chips in case your wondering...was being served back the ranch at 6pm, but we had to squeeze in a few more minutes of sponteneity and so drove on through Providence just to see what there was to see. Again, due to weather, this piece of our adventure wasn't much but a drive through. But with bands such as the Squirrel Nut Zippers blasting through the Ipod, fun was a guarantee. We decided to run in Dave and Busters for a couple quick games....2 quarters in the meter [30 minutes was all the time we had], a windblown hat [safely rescued], entering an elevator at it's final floor but needing to go three floors higher, 4 escalators, $14, 2 driving races, skeeball and 82 tokens later [which wouldn't even buy a ring pop to share], we donated the tickets to a kid and ran back down said escalators to our car before serious tickets were handed out. Whew. And onward home to firelight and that fantastic meal with amazing friends. [spoiled? yea. I know. great, huh?]

The four short days of this visit were packed with an art show, a church study group dinner, church worship, surprise updates with old friends, card games, fish watching, latte making, a trip to another state, dinner with friends, one on ones, thoughts of God presence here and abroad, pilfered music, late nights, sage advice and warm hugs. Good things indeed.

oh, it's definitely spring!

2010-03-06T15:24:00.003-05:00

ready for spring

2010-03-06T12:41:00.002-05:00

do as I do

2010-02-23T12:25:00.005-05:00

I've had the phrase, 'go into homes of the broken' in my head lately. I'm not sure if I heard this song prior or not. It seems to be the theme of the discipleship mission God has for me this season.

You lived among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.

All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead you gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?

Use my hands, use my feet
To make your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until your work is done
'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross your blood was she'd
So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.

And I give all myself... to you.

Who is God calling you to disciple these days? Are they coming to you, or are you going to them?

2010-02-19T23:42:00.002-05:00

Will you come with me to lose your life going where you've never been? Are you unwilling to gain your life seeking what you've never seen? - Hiram Ring

2010-02-18T11:00:00.003-05:00

Weight loss tips I heard on the way to the office today....

Floss

Shave your head

Sleep

- unknown

2010-02-18T11:00:00.001-05:00

Never roll your eyes at the promises of God. -CB Eder

2010-02-17T23:00:00.001-05:00

If we want a life other than mere biology, we must deal with God. There is no alternate way. - Eugene Peterson

2010-02-16T22:04:00.002-05:00

If it wasn't a mystery it would be easy. If it were easy, it wouldn't be worth much. - Seth Godin

2010-02-15T20:41:00.002-05:00

I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds is to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death. -Leonardo da Vinci

my imagination is not big enough

2010-01-27T22:07:00.003-05:00

Over the last three weeks a friend and co-worker of mine had her pregnancy turn from joyful expectation to fearful uncertainty. Sure people were saying, "Are you sure you're not due till March? Are you sure there's only one baby in there?" People always say such things. Then the doctors started saying things...

Last Thursday, I read this:
"The baby has a serious condition called fetal hydrops, which means he/she has a lot of fluid accumulated in his/her body. Based on today's ultrasound, the baby has fluid accumulation all over: under the scalp, pockets in the chest (which are compressing the lungs and more than likely have not allowed the lungs to develop fully), throughout the legs...everywhere. There is also too much amniotic fluid surrounding the baby..."

And all the testing and waiting ensued. Regardless of the testing, they were told that she would more than likely go into labor before the due date and that the prognosis was not good.

Today she reached 32 weeks.
Today she delivered her baby boy, Josiah, via emergency c-section.
Today they are still here.
Today Josiah is with Jesus.

Have you ever really wrestled with God? For yourself?
How about for someone else? For someone else's life?
Today I found myself thinking, "Where do I get off telling God to do what He wants with someone else? Can I do that?"
I would take a breath to begin a prayer and find my chest totally constricted and my mind empty of words.
Just a deep aching question chained to my heart.
It's one thing to ask God to do for you what would bring Him the most glory, best reveal His holiness. It's something else to begin to say that for someone else.

What do I know of holy?

I think the right question, the only question is: Where is God in my question?
I can't imagine that.
I keep hesitating every time I go to do something "normal" like talk with a friend, or read, or write, or eat.
These things will never be the same for them.
What do I know.

My dear. sweet. strong. beautiful. friend. If you read this in the weeks to come, know that I cry with you; I ache with you, as best I can imagine.

God keeps telling me that He is. And that is enough.
I pray He holds you and your family tonight and tells you the same.

resolved: part 2

2010-01-27T22:04:00.003-05:00

Do something creative every day.

Sometime this last year I was told, "There is no grace in imagination." I forget who told me, or who they were quoting. The initial context was directed to how easy it is for us to imagine ourselves somewhere else, or as someone else, or with someone else than what is the current reality. I agree that to live in a constant mindset of fantasy is completely unhealthy, is not truth and therefore is not living a grace-filled, abundant life.

However, in a larger context I disagree.

God imagined all that we see and are.
He created it and us.
If He did not graciously endow us with creativity as part of His image in us, we would never do anything.

To those of you who say with a whine and a pout, "I'm not creative!"
I say, "Horsefeathers! No two snowflakes alike. Ever. Right? The same with us humanbeans. You are simply not creative like [in the same way as] me. Just do something."

This guy agrees with me too. "Too?" You ask.

Yep. God does too.

Here's a few photos of my most recent waste of tim......creative endeavor.
(This one's less useful than others. It was fun. Therapeutic creativity definitely counts.)

Start with some pine cones and the old stubby candles that you are too much of a hoarder to throw away.

Create your own dutch oven [Dutch wha? No wooden shoes or tulips involved, just a bowl in water in a pan. Also known as a double boiler.] I can offer no specifics on the temperature of the water. Just get it hot enough to melt the wax. While it melts, take pictures of things for your etsy store and get your tongs, wax paper and potholders handy.

Then let the wax cool to the point where it will actually stick to the pine cone and layer on with each dip. I had to take the bowl of wax out of the water and let it sit for a couple minutes. Leave the water simmering so you can put the bowl right back when it starts to firm up around the edges. Holding the pinecone firmly but gently [I know that's an oxymoron] dip and roll the pinecone in the wax. The goal is to not squeeze so hard that the pinecone breaks and falls into the wax, splashing everything in reach, or projectiles across the kitchen, also splattering everything in reach. Meh. Hold the pinecone for a few seconds between each dip. Review your ABC's or sing There Once Was a Man Named Michael Finnigan.... once the wax is as thick as you want, lay the pinecone on wax paper on the counter to cool.

When you need to make dinner in the pot you started out with. switch to a smaller pot that actually fits the rim of the bowl and prevents its bottom from dragging in the water. A.k.a. a proper double boiler. Continue melting, cooling, and dipping and remelting. P.S. If you want colored pine cones, use colored wax. Food coloring will not mix with white/clear wax. At least not the average, grocery store sqeeze bottle kind. It's apparently water based.

Viola!

On my desk at work is the following:

2010-01-14T14:54:00.003-05:00

banquet plans
calendar
camera and cable
cell phone
clock
cold coffee
coupon
general tso's chicken (three last cold sticky pieces I cannot bring myself to eat)
flash drive
folders
hammer
kleenex
ibuprofen
lap top
m&m's
one dead computer (static+flashdrive+hard drive apparantly do not mix without catastrophic results)
paring knife
pens
phone numbers of pregnant girls in crisis
several sticky notes
sunglasses
to do list
water

I'm going. Are you?

2010-01-08T12:54:00.002-05:00

Missions Fest Lancaster
Featuring speaker Steve Saint and local musician Hiram Ring
I'll be there representing House of His Creation. Come check it out.

in response to wonder at his attention to me

2010-01-07T10:26:00.002-05:00

I think that we forget to see
Until we see a child. We
Who grow up tall and grow up fast
Forget to let the wonder last,
Forget our souls were made with wings,
Forget to stand in awe of things,
Forget there’s wonder in a hand,
Forget that God is great and grand.

We are not mesmerized by grace
Or sun or sky or form or face
We are not awed by blood or cross.
This is our pride. This is our loss.

Excerpt from See by David Gunderson.

resolved part 1

2010-01-06T00:15:00.002-05:00

do this more.

The title to my favorite song this Christmas....

2010-01-05T11:07:00.002-05:00

God is with us.

The four words that have the power and beauty to change every moment.

Christmas is horrible

2009-12-30T17:41:00.000-05:00

Let the stable still astonish:
Straw—dirt floor, dull eyes,
Dusty flanks of donkeys, oxen;
Crumbling, crooked walls;
No bed to carry that pain,
And then, the child,
Rag-wrapped, laid to cry
In a trough.
Who would have chosen this?
Who would have said, “Yes,
Let the God of all the heavens
And earth
Be born here, in this place?”
Who but the same God
Who stands in the darker, fouler rooms
Of our hearts and says, “Yes, let the God
Of Heaven and Earth be born here—
In this place.”

Leslie Leyland Fields

collaboration

2009-12-17T23:52:00.002-05:00

I've plans to host a book club.

One problem.

I don't know what book to feature.

Criteria:

- a mixed gender group
- all believers at this point
- something easy to complete in a month or two
- members 'in' so far each enjoy real life stories
- something thought provoking

Suggestions?

infomercial

2009-12-07T15:40:00.004-05:00

two weeks of near sleepless nights: exhausting
17 1/2 trips to craft stores: $110.47
forgotten items and an extra trip home the night before the craft show: 2 hours extra driving and an unknown amount of fuel
6 cups of coffee each: free (provided and nasty)
not even close to breaking even but reconnecting with old friends and an entire day with my sister and niece: priceless

Now there's a certain rush to this whole frantic process to get things made and set-up and torn down and taken home. However that rush deflates faster than an old birthday balloon when you get home and all the stuff you took with you is now in your living room and your wallet is still empty and you are freakin' tired! Granted it was our first show and no other buyer fared well either. We still decided we'd much rather be at home together. So we abandoned all ideas of future shows, at least for now, and are going Etsy. Our site is a little rough yet, but we've got a few items posted. Now to perfect uploading photos.....and launching a facebook fan page....and making more stuff.... and 17 1/2 trips to the P.O.

Speaking of launching....my bucket list has seen quite a bit of action this year.

Re.struct is open for business!! I am very excited. Watch for some one of a kind art pieces, vintage finds and home decor.

Mother, daughter, sister, auntie
Soulmates, believers, creators
Together we reclaim, restore and repurpose
So you can better enjoy, beautify, nurture and live.

I love that we're doing this together.

can you ditto a reverb?

2009-11-23T20:12:00.003-05:00

Anything you forget to feed will die. Feed the important things if you want to keep them alive.

you had to be there

2009-11-20T21:48:00.002-05:00

soul sister self-portrait
take 1:

take 2:

take 3:

there we go....

October Indian Summer=

2009-11-19T00:11:00.006-05:00

Playing hookey from responsibility = a spontaneous picnic lunch and a hike with a favorite friend

I am a woman. I am fully a woman. I am only woman.

2009-09-30T20:07:00.004-05:00

Finished reading this the other day. I uncovered it in my recent move. Good stuff. Again. I probably read it ages ago (I can honestly say that now. An age being officially 7 years. At least.)

In case you're wondering about the condition of the book cover....No! I'm not suffering from any syndromes I'd rather deny, nor did the subject matter cause such angst that I was driven to gnaw on the edges as I worked my way through the content.

My dog ate it.
Honest.

What dog? you ask.
He moved.
Was evicted, actually.
He was adorable except for his tendency to, when left alone longer than he deemed necessary, locate the item left within reach that was likely most valuable and sentimental and tear it to shreds. He ate my Bible once. I ordered a new one. He came in from his holedigging in the backyard to the sunporch and ate it right out of the packaging as soon as it was delivered. New policies were immediately enforced for the mailman. When eating things didn't make me come hope sooner, he (the dog, that is) took to pooping in the dead-center of each room by turn.
Did I mention he moved?

I think the phone call to the Bible people was the best one I've ever had with anyone.

Them: Hello?
Me: Yes, Hello. I had a, well, um, shipping [bites nails] concern.
Them: Alright.
Me: Well, you see, my dog ate it. Box and all. It's in shreds all around the back yard.
Them: [Crickets]
Me: I'm serious.
Them: [Laughter]
Me: [Whew.] He did really. (I told the whole story)
They sent me a new one.
For.
Free.

Back to Mrs. Elliot's fantastic work. The book is a compilation of letters to her daughter, Valerie as she prepared for her marriage. Each chapter is a casual, personal, purposeful narrative challenging and inspiring true femininity. It made me sigh with relief and hope. My creativity, nurturing, vision, purpose and faith were all refreshed. As a woman. As the single woman that I am. Today.

On sexuality:
"If you get too technical you're going to miss the blessing."
"There is danger in analysis. You can't learn the meaning of a rose by pulling it to pieces. You can't examine a burning coal by carrying it away from the fire. It dies in the process."
"By throwing away the very thing which guarded its meaning, we have thrown away the thing itself."
"She needs a heart trained by practice to love [her man]."

On loyalty:
"...you make no vows about your feelings."
"We are not given grace for imaginations. We are given the grace needed at the time when it is needed...and because you have given your word you have committed youself once and for all. Nothing that has ever been worth doing has been accomplished soley through feelings. It takes action. It takes putting one foot in front of the other, walking the path you have agreed together to walk."

On the Cross:
"...there is one thing which enters into all of life, one thing which will keep us from idealizing life's best and will make bearable life's worst, and that is the Cross. The Cross enters the moment you recognize the relationship as a gift. The One who gives it may withdraw it at any time, and knowing this, you give thanks in receiving. Desiring above all else to do the will of God, you offer back to Him this greatest of all earthly gifts as an oblation, lifted up in worship and praise, with faith that in the offering it will be transformed for the good of others."

On Creativity:
"Be not afraid of absurdity; do not shrink from the fantastic. Within the dilemma, choose the most unheard of, the most dangerous solution. Be brave, be brave. Ah, Madam, we have got much to learn." - Isak Dinesen

donated to Christ

2009-09-30T08:09:00.004-05:00

I've had to handle some nasty donations in my time at this non-profit of mine. The worst by far was uncovering a ripe terd left behind (hah) in a child's potty. Let's just say there was some screaming, stomping and lots of bleach involved. Might have something to do with why the second sentence of the following quotation resonates so well. I have new thankfulness that Jesus cleaned me up and didn't stuff me in the trash, filthy and worthless, like aforementioned chamber pot.

"'Ye are Christ's.' You are His by donation, for the Father gave you to the Son; His by His bloody purchase, for He counted down the price for your redemption; His by dedication, for you have consecrated yourself to Him; His by relation, for you are named by his name, and made one of His brethren and joint-heirs. Labour practically to show the world that you are the servant, the friend, the bride of Jesus. When tempted to sin, reply, 'I cannot do this great wickedness, for I am Christ's.' Immortal principles forbid the friend of Christ to sin. When wealth is before you to be won by sin, say that you are Christ's, and touch it not. Are you exposed to difficulties and dangers? Stand fast in the evil day, remembering that you are Christ's. Are you placed where others are sitting down idly, doing nothing? Rise to the work with all your powers; and when the sweat stands upon your brow, and you are tempted to loiter, cry, 'No, I cannot stop, for I am Christ's. If I were not purchased, I might be like Issachar, crouching between two burdens, but I am Christ's and cannot loiter.' When the siren song of pleasure would tempt you from the path of right, reply, 'Thy music cannot charm me, for I am Christ's.' When the cause of God invites thee, give thyself to it; when the poor require thee, give thy goods and thyself away, for thou art Christ's. Never belie thy profession. Be thou ever like one of those whose manners are Christian, whose speech is like the Nazarene, whose conduct and conversation are so redolent of heaven, that all who see you may know that you are the Saviour's, recognizing in you His features of love and His countenance of holiness. 'I am a Roman!' was of old a reason for integrity; far more, then, let it be your argument for holiness, 'I am Christ's!'
-Charles Spurgeon

which of these is hardest for you?
me?
personal temptation. saying, "I cannot" and not compromising. ever.

sing us a song, you're the piano man

2009-09-28T21:55:00.015-05:00

Don't know what to do with all those old records from Uncle Mirum or Grandpa Holger? (Stop laughing. Those are real people. In my family. Thank you.)

Assuming (perhaps with a little research) that your collection is not comprised of unique and valuable editions, you could create a unique piece of art. Like snowflakes, no two are alike.

Preheat your oven to 225-250 degrees.
(Applause for bad picture of the year award please)

Take any ol' cookie sheet.
Place a small bowl rim-side down on the cookie sheet. You want a container tall enough that the record will not drape onto the cookie sheet more than a smidge. An empty tin can works also.

Place both in your warm oven.

Place the lable of the record on the bottom of the bowl. Close the door.

This is what it will look like after about 2 minutes.

After 5 minutes.

After 7-10 minutes. (It takes about the same amount of time whether or not you open the door every two minutes.)
Let's leave it a little longer to see if we can get rid of the Roman nose profile. (And the glare.)

Ok. Guess not.

Using a hot pad, remove the cookie sheet and slide the bowl and the melted record onto the counter (or a cooling rack if you wish).

Leave the record draped over the bowl until it is cool enough to touch.

I let it cool the rest of the way upside down.

Tada.

I like the way these next two folded.

The whole colorful family.

Kinda like mine.
Your (and my) new creation is not directly food safe, so insert a smaller container if you want to use your piece as a bowl for snacks or candy. Fill it about hafway with coffee beans, marbles or small river rocks and you have a charming display for a tealight candle. Use it to contain your jewelry or your keys. Or set it on a shelf all by itself.
Nope.
Sorry.
No photos to illustrate or inspire. Use your imagination. I needed to get my brownie and coffee ice cream fix and watch CSI Miami.
So have fun.
Or ask me if you just want to buy one.
Oh, la la la, de de da.

you are the water. i am an iceberg. under a big blue sky

2009-09-24T11:24:00.009-05:00

I cannot count how many hours I've spent wanting days like these. A day to order as I please, to see a friend, or be a hermit, to get lots done, or sit in the Indian summer sun and stare at the hazy blue-gray glare of the sky until my eyelids seem transparent when I blink. Hours when I had time only to give myself a stern talking to about not always wanting something... other as I rushed of to do the next thing. I've spent over three years being with people and kids 24-7 and now there's just a house and lots of stuff. It's too quiet. You mothers out there know, you'd give anything for a day at a hotel with plush towels, room in the bed and whatever you want to eat, whenever you decide to want it. A day to paint your toenails, all day, if you so chose. Yet if and when such a day arrives, your heart is elsewhere and uncharted time is loud and uncomfortable.

Some days I enjoy all the openness. Other days I move from one thing to the next like a 7 year old in a toy store, indecisive, examining everything and leaving it all out behind me. Brief attention span aside, I've gotten more small projects done than I thought possible in one week. Shucks, in one day. The job I'm actually supposed to be doing (sorting and organizing for a yard sale) is coming along nicely. Irritation at another's irresponsibility is great motivation. Things are starting to make usable sense, look pretty, and feel clean.

For all this time on my hands, my thoughts and plans are still stacked and piled, waiting for an estate sale of their own. I'm aware of all of them, but it's simply too soon to tell. We'll get this yard sale project done, I'm running away for a week to a favorite place and favorite people where I will stop time and eat and drink coffee by the fire then sit under their towering pine trees and stare at the sky. After that, none but the Father knows.

In the mean time I'm:

vaccuming
buying presents and making quiche for a bridal shower
remaking a vintage lamp I found in the barn - pictures once I remember how to put it back together
installing a hair catcher in the bath tub. hair balls make humans gag too and my head sheds like a camel (It's true!...look it up.)
contemplating my sewing pile
making baby gifts
planting pansies
sitting on my roof staring at the sky

2009-09-05T20:21:00.002-05:00

“This sense of being led
by an unseen hand,
which takes mine
while another hand
reaches ahead and prepares the way,
grows upon me daily.”
~Frank Laubach~

Beauty for Ashes

2009-08-24T11:11:00.002-05:00

It still blows me away that I get to be a part of this.

And in this place...

2009-08-22T22:27:00.004-05:00

I'm slowly starting to get my mind around some of the projects that need done around here. The ones that get to fall to me. The ones that make me plug my ears and eyes...hear no evil, see no evil. I rebelled about some of them this week. The nice(er) version went something like,
"Seriously!? I like organizing things. I like seeing progress. I like things clean. But com'on! Two major yard sale events in three months? I had all year to work towards the first one. What was _________ thinking!?! Did they do anything? I know not everyone has the same gifting, but are some folks completely devoid of common sense? I don't give a rat's butt about seeing this accomplished. Forget it. I'm gonna go unpack. Hang pictures. Sort my socks. Paint my toenails in stripes. Remove the grippy adhesive strips from the floor of my shower. Rearrange my coffee mugs, again."
But it's still there. I can see it when I close my eyes.
TO DO:
- organize contents of the metal inferno of a three car garage into a useful pattern for a yard sale
- host yard sale that will rake in the profit before the inferno becomes a freezer, or we all have to eat our socks because there is no other money coming in
- create two usable and beautiful spaces for the residents to be able to 'shop' for things for themselves and their babies
- do something about the kitchen that needs everything from a power wash to proper supplies to gluing in place the toe kick that's been flopping off for two years

God made me pause on that word gifting. Order out of chaos is His specialty. Creating beauty out of ashes. Restoring what was lost. It's my gifting too. And I have His anointing to accomplish the work He has given. He told me so by leading me to ancient promises from the prophet Haggai:
"Does anyone remember this house—this Temple—in its former splendor? How, in comparison, does it look to you now? It must seem like nothing at all! But now the Lord says: Be strong, Zerubbabel. Be strong, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people still left in the land. And now get to work, for I am with you, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid.’ “For this is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies says: In just a little while I will again shake the heavens and the earth, the oceans and the dry land. I will shake all the nations, and the treasures of all the nations will be brought to this Temple. I will fill this place with glory, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. The future glory of this Temple will be greater than its past glory, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. And in this place I will bring peace. I, the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, have spoken!”
That word followed closely after this one from a dear friend:
Dueteronomy 31:8
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you.
And this farewell gift from another friend the day I moved. The figure's name: Peace

And he walked up and said, "What'll it be?" I said, "The good stuff."

2009-08-22T21:23:00.007-05:00

This week I....

~ finished unpacking
~ went to my second to last regular orthodontist appointment. gah! my mouth feels like it did at first. two more weeks. I can hardly wait
~ watched the birth of a baby girl, and said good bye to her and her teenage mom all the same day. not sure I like the immediate departure part of the maternity division of this ministry. makes me thankful that whatever I bind or loosen here is eternal
~ had a key made for the main house. it didn't work. the garage key worked. therefore discovered that I can maneuver an extension ladder three times my height and weight without killing myself or breaking anything in order to reach the roof and climb in the window of my second story apartment
~ celebrated my oldest niece's 16th birthday
~ bought some more African coffee
~ unexpectedly caught an episode of goats mating in the barnyard
~ finally replaced the zipper in the dress I argued a price reduction for because of said zipper
~ finally hemmed my friend's jeans
~ finished some belated birthday gifts. see below. now don't you wish you lived closer?
~ started the next batch of gifts for the birthdays this next week. spread out the occasions people, seriously.
~ bought a vintage sewing tool I wanted to use in hemming my friend's wedding dress tomorrow. found it on Etsy yesterday and met in an undisclosed location today to pick it up from the seller. isn't she awesome to do that for me!!
~ talked to a customer service dude for Ebay via chat....told him I'd 'loved' a couple times since I'd last used my account and therefore couldn't log in since I didn't remember what information I would have used. ahem. *moved a couple times*
~ found the 1957 version of Cinderella I'd been looking for right here on the bookshelf and watched it tonight while eating the pieces of birthday present that didn't fit in the jar. now to find a copy to own.

the best things come in small packages, tis true

2009-08-17T20:48:00.004-05:00

real mail makes me happy
more than just about anything else
very happy
this particular package came close to causing the happiness meter to rise high enough to break into pieces and leak all over the neighborhood
it contained a hand written letter; a birthday card; new music; excellent, thought provoking, growth inspiring messages on faith; surprise! an mp3 player with which to listen to said media in modern fashion; and a nifty water bottle to support future jogging sessions and hiking adventures

the mp3 player has yet to wear out any batteries, but I have it on good authority that it will be broken in further soon
there are many jobs on my list that would be made more bearable by excellent content flowing from this little device
most of all, mingled somewhere among the packing peanuts, a friendship of words became tangible, delivered grace in time of need and refueled inspiration for the busy, difficult weeks that were to follow

the view changes only for the lead dog

2009-08-17T20:43:00.004-05:00

so
far
behind
in
this
blogging
department
of my life

I have excuses
and reasons
and cute pictures to make it all worthwhile

behind....
get it?

snippets

2009-07-27T23:17:00.004-05:00

p 276. ... one of the hard lessons in life: the best way to strip the allure and dreaminess from a lifelong dream is, very often, to have it come true.

p. 327. The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately, or in the long run. - Thoreau

p. 514. Because what good are brains....and how is one thought any better than another if you haven't got a sixth sense, a heart, a center to sort them out with?

p. 537. In a voice that carries the way flat beer tastes...

p. 638. Our greatest fears, like our greatest hopes, often come to nothing.

p. 641. There's not much more I can say without stepping into the beginnings of stories that belong to other people.

the brothers K
david james duncan

smart fridge

2009-07-27T11:55:00.004-05:00

...or smart friend
reminds me of hebrews 3:1

dear mom, so I got this really great side job...

2009-07-19T21:37:00.003-05:00

I've started giving tours through Amish country. The pay stinks as bad as the air, but....

I would underline this if it were my book, but the library might have something to say....

2009-07-18T18:19:00.004-05:00

"And in the present he was surviving. Perhaps even thriving. He didn't know. It wasn't his business to know. His business was to simply keep making the effort."

The Brothers K p. 156

desperate gratitude

2009-07-14T22:39:00.015-05:00

It's easier to write in a season of soulful angst. At least for me.
Then what is hard contrasts vividly against the promises and character of God.
When the blessings flow I don't remember as easily that I am still desperate for God.
Thankfullness can be reckless, right?

The season of fasting is over.
The past few weeks, the weekends especially, have been ones of fullness. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. The food and conversation have all been rich. Each moment has weight now. The memories are important as soon as they happen and will be even more so in restrospect through the weeks and months to come. I am aware of the glances between old friends that say more than their words, the studied gaze of new friends learning the landscape of each others faces, the contentment of being together and letting the time flow unnoticed. I take multiple snapshots with my camera and my heart, wanting to make it last as long as possible. Soon everything will change. Several of us are moving. None very far apart, but all to entirely new locations. Classes are starting and stopping. Jobs are changing. We all promise ourselves and make only slightly-veiled threats to each other that we will all stay at the same church and small group, then hold our breath and hope we are right.

These are a few of the faces that represent the souls that enrich my days:

My newest friend, Esther pondering the idiosyncrasies of Amish-land. I'll let her draw her own conclusions.

Kate. Who says her life is like an awkward pool party.

and Jess came for a visit and made me laugh more than I have in weeks.

virtuosity

sweet Maddie with her favorite kitten

Oh, Jona. I love you! (P.S. Thanks for sharing your photos!)

I'm pretty sure this guy is the next Spurgeon or Elliot or Wilkerson. For now he answers to Chad. Chadwick. Chadley. Chadster. Chadderbox. Anything but Chaddy.

This shot has got to be worth money. If not now, someday. If not because his band will be famous then because it's rare to get one of Noah, as just Noah.

We like all his other faces too.

My favorite Leah

Sisters

Daddy love

My ideal man

My view every time I drive away from my sister's home

Yea. Me too.

2009-07-08T12:15:00.002-05:00

"A season of quiet fullness that is impossible to resist." Ben Aijian

try to put the words all in a tidy row

2009-06-28T20:10:00.005-05:00

name of the wind
by one Patrick Rothfuss

Genius
Delightful
Captivating
Maddening
Demands a sequel
Yet such would cheapen its very nature and reduce it to __________.
I would reread it.
I think I missed something subtle and obvious.
It only took a week for this first pass through it's 662 pages and that was in the throes of a week of family camp and with no all nighters.
I would own it.
I don't own much fiction.
Makes me want to know/use better words.
Maeks me want to cook dinner and invite the characters.
Makes me want to write. again. at all. like that.
Makes me afraid to try.
Makes me want to meet the author.
He's probably obnoxious. sarcastic. brooding. elusive. maddening. charming.
Just the sort of fellow I would fall for.
*snort*
It's a good thing I know he's not old.

Excerpts....

I could, but you reading them all alone and stranded here would just be __________.
See. I need better words.
And more sleep.
Just go look it up and read the flyleaf.
If that doesn't make you want to take a vacation or lock yourself in a room with your favorite chair in order to read it, then it's not the book for you. It's even pretty good when read over a smattering of free time throughout a week. Or two.
I never did like analyzing literature.
Go ahead. Say it out loud. "I'm no good at it either."
Never said I was.
Words are never enough to describe what delights us.

summer love

2009-06-20T20:41:00.001-05:00

bucket list

2009-06-19T21:02:00.003-05:00

finish a painting
*check*

counter-intuitive

2009-06-19T14:46:00.010-05:00

I'm feeling the restlessness of last night's wee hours. Unless sick or seriously sleep deprived I'm never asleep before at least midnight... preferrably 1 or 2am after all artistic or literary inspiration has worn off. Last night I was tired...sleepy tired at 10:30. I read some George Mueller until I woke up with knuckle prints on my face from having fallen asleep on my hands clasped over my book. It was only 11. I turned out the lamp and promptly went to sleep. I received a text message at midnight....further proof that I am usually awake at such hours. I then proceeded to wake to look at the clock at 2 and 3 and 4 and 6:30. My alarm was set for 7. I also never wake up before my alarm.

All day I keep telling myself I shouldn't feel tired. I'm sleeping...usually, eating fairly well, excercising...sort of... this week ;) and had four previous days of rather mellow activity. But... my mind has been running full tilt....like those rides at the carnival where something sets it spinning happily and the next thing you know you are vertical, plastered to the side of a metal cage, held in place by centrifugal force.

I'm expecting a rather large change in circumstance at the end of the summer. It started out with the epic conversation and has continued through all the turns, shadows and nuances of God changing a heart to rest in His plan. The factor that has added the most weight to the decision is seeking to discern whether or not to go with this plan because its location is just far enough away to indicate leaving this church community that I have become so deeply rooted in during the past three long, full, yet brief years. Layered on the constant feeling of trying to peel myself off the spinning cage and get some solid ground under my feet again is the constant introspection and self-application of a biblical counseling class I am finishing and then the enjoyment of working to engage daily needs and activities of family, friends and ministry. But every few moments I just lay my head back and spin, cause I caught another glimpse of the guy with his hand on the control lever. Jesus has been so present in this. I'm not retreating to all the mental scenarios and what-ifs that are my usual tendency in decision making, but I'm talking it out with every friend and family member close by. Ever try to carry on meaningful conversation during a spinning ride? Much wise counsel and a multitude of passages from Scripture and other books have provided timely insight to uphold my heart.

Through continued conversation with my pastor and the leadership here, the plan is beginning to take shape with purpose, feeling less like an indefinite transfer and more like purposeful move to cross-train in another aspect of this ministry.
Lord-willing I will return to my current site in a few months better, stronger, and hopefully wiser to fill a different role. And instead of an uprooting never to return, this plan C times out to fit needs of several people within this ministry as well as fitting big dreams to live with a friend from church and move even closer to that community as well as to my immediate family. I love how polarized A/B choices are usually neither, but simply the avenue God uses to field conversation and analyses to get us to the third way he desired all along. I'm aware to guard my heart against resting in this change God is leading me to only because I now have a more concrete plan, or because I can envision the possibilities and have vision for them, but because He is actually putting peace in my heart for this. Where there is not yet peace, there is grace for peace.

I got an update letter from another ministry in the mail a few moments ago:
The writer quoted this:
"Both the Scriptures and the history of the church teach that if the Holy Spirit is working, the whole man will be involved and there will be much cost to the Christian. The more the Holy Spirit works, the more Christians will be used in battle, and the more they are used, the more there will be personal cost and tiredness. It is quite the opposite of what we first might think. People often cry out for the work of the Holy Spirit and yet forget that when the Holy Spirit works, there is always tremendous cost to the people of God. weariness and tears and battles."

And added these words that Jesus spoke to him and his wife during an incredibly busy and demanding time:
"You didn't blow it; I asked you to do this. I am in this."

Slowly, delightfully, God is granting me excitement for this next venture. Only in moments of weariness do I doubt. This letter had two sides. Identification with and encouragement where I am currently weary. A pang of dread deep in my belly that I can likely, realistically expect this next season to be just as tiring and wearing, tearful and hard. Sigh. I know it to be true. But....

Someday I hope to be wise enough to realize that enlisting as a Believer means more battle than leave.

counterproductive

2009-06-18T20:08:00.001-05:00

running two miles > eating cheese curls :)

ditto

2009-06-17T11:16:00.000-05:00

I concur.

new theme song

2009-06-16T22:08:00.001-05:00

light for just the next step

2009-06-16T14:31:00.003-05:00

Be not discontented, for God usually proportions a man's gifts to the place where he calls him. - Thomas Watson

processional of life

2009-06-12T14:52:00.004-05:00

Congratulations my dear, sweet, wonderful friend. It has been an absolute joy to walk through these last two years with you. All the tears, struggles, hopes, joys and fears have made you who you are today....because God was present with you through it all.

His grace is what has made it all possible.

His lovingkindess and mercy are what have kept your feet from slipping. I am so proud of the way you have grown - received teaching, acknowledged your need for help and opened your heart to love. You have become a beautiful woman inside and out. I have been blown away by all that God has done in and through you so far and am excited beyond words to see what He has in store to bless you in the coming months.

Trust Him - He is good...all the time.
Love Him - He gave His life for yours.
Fear Him - He is holy.
Serve Him - He deserves your praise and there are others who need to know how great He is.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life.
I wouldn't be the same without you.
You have been my friend, my sister, my companion.
I love you. Congratulations on a job well done.

potting shed

2009-06-07T21:31:00.007-05:00

A couple times this last week I pressed my nose to the window watching the Noahic rains and had the fleeting thought, "I hope all my newly planted things don't wash away." The clay and rocks that I cursed when the soil was given to us have proved to be a cruel mercy. I stood under a cloudless sky this afternoon and looked down at all the newly planted things in our garden and noted each one to be still firmly entrenched in their dirt home. All the seedlings are fine. The seeds are also sprouting and so are the thistles.

I love to marvel at how nature and gardening...planting, watering, weeding, pruning, harvesting so closely resemble all aspects of life. I wrote this sentence a little over three years ago in a summary of the Gospel of Mark. "Pay attention to how things grow too, it's a sign of what the Kingdom is like." I have old journals out to re-read about seasons where I was at various crossroads. A new one has been presented to me. If anyone ever sits across from you and says, "So I have a proposal for a plan for your life," get ready to do some praying. I'm glad those were her next words. "I want you to pray about considering this....." I've been at similar junctions many times... It's familiar....too much so in parts. I sigh about the weaknesses that still seem unchanged as I reflect on years gone by. Yet I am comforted to find that I am still me. That I am still plodding along in the same direction and that God still has His fingers in the soil of the garden of my heart. That the aspects of His character that I most desired then are the ones I most desire now, only more deeply.

I should have seen it coming. I've met a quite a few new people lately....almost every one of them upon hearing that I spend my days as a housparent to teen moms, asks, "So how long do you plan to do this?" Introductions haven't included this particular question for a while. First of all it's not my plan, so I eloquently elaborate by shrugging and saying, "I dunno. Till God moves me elsewhere." I wonder if I really meant that. I think I did. I guess I'm just surprised by this possibility because I wasn't looking for it. I'm not wanting something more, somewhere new, something....else. For once.

The sun and rain have already faded the empty seed packets precariously perched on popsicle sticks that mark what was planted where. (Is that a zinnia or a pumpkin?) So I stand on the horizon under the cloudless sky of God's lovingkindness and peer into my soul to see if anything has sprouted. So it is that I've forgotten what I planted. So I'm not sure what I'm expecting to grow.

I want to do an overview of all that I've gotten from Shadow of the Almighty. But for now I share that my heart and mind are stilled and resting because of this excerpt that I read the day after the epic-life-plan conversation:

"I have not the foggiest idea where or how God will lead you. Of this I am sure. He will lead you and will not let you miss your signs. Rest in this - it is His business to lead, command, impel, send, call, or whatever you want to call it. It is your business to obey, follow, move, respond, or what have you. This will sound meaningless to you, unconvincing and 'old stuff,' and that is what it should sound, for it is only a man's counsel. The sound of a 'gentle stillness' after all the thunder and wind have passed will be the ultimate Word from God. Tarry long for it." - Jim Elliot

our garden spot

last Monday's toolbox

my sweet helper

the young upstarts in their new placement

this heap of junk and weeds in the corner of the yard opposite the garden is going to be a berry orchard(?)....soon

chaos came to a screaching halt

2009-06-04T21:18:00.002-05:00

yea, this pretty much made my day

welcome to God's big beautiful world, Aletheia

in the silence there's nowhere left to run

2009-06-02T11:55:00.003-05:00

You give and take away for my good.
For who am I to say what I need?
For You alone see the hidden parts of me
that need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine,
I’m learning to let go and rely
on One who walks with me.
As hard as it may be,
You’re teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul.
All that’s in me bless Your name,
Forget not Your power untold,
not Your glory or Your fame.
For You came to heal the broken,
to redeem and make me whole.
Bless the Lord, O my soul.
- Laura Story

Psalm 62:5-8
I will wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor come from God alone.
He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in Him at all times.
Pour out your heart before Him,
for God is our refuge.

I will not give up this fight.
I will not carry this heart of stone.
I will stop wanting to get beyond my need for grace.

personal remarks

2009-06-01T20:11:00.003-05:00

My ever so diligent studying habits (cough) were just interrupted by the urgency that I must listen to the following excerpt from a classic work of children's literature....

home

2009-05-28T21:06:00.003-05:00

This past weekend was passed in Baltimore, MD at the NEXT conference, deepening my relationship with Jesus and friends old and new. Websites are now littered with photos and commentary. I'll get to that eventually. Today I am just glad to be home. I didn't actually spend much of my day at home. I was all over Lancaster and Chester county, but as I sit and read and let itunes play on shuffle (current song: Dream by the Cranberries), I sigh and am home.

Things that tell me I am home:

1) Children's voices screaming my name in their baby way and their baby arms around my neck
2) Sarcasm at my expense
3) Unexpected favors done for me while I was away (garden planting here I come)
4) The smell of dinner wafting up the stairs to my room (and lingering for days after if it includes onions)
5) The comfort of my own bed cannot be matched. period.
6) A surprise visit from a friend - seeing my home through his eyes
7) Stepping outside at night and seeing the city lights down the hill and the stars above.

Psalm 90:1 Lord, you have been our dwelling place through all generations.

What things tell you that you are home?

pray without ceasing part 2

2009-05-22T12:40:00.003-05:00

Mommy: com'on baby, I've gotta go to school
Baby: ksooool?
Mommy: yep. school. what does mommy do at school? Learn?
Baby: nnnnno
Mommy: so I don't learn at school?
Baby: no
Mommy: so I basically don't do nothin' at school?
Baby: Aaaaaamen

pray without ceasing

2009-05-20T09:08:00.003-05:00

Every now and then the teen mom I live with will coach her daughter through saying a simple dinner time prayer. She has her repeat each word and at the end, the baby never says the last word (but she always know when it's done) and instead voices a loud and long Aaaaaamen in her sweet baby voice.

Beginning sometime mid-week last week this is what we've been hearing:

mommy: What does a cow say?
baby: mooooo!
mommy: What does a cat say?
baby: meow!
mommy: What does a dog say?
baby: arf arf!
mommy: What does a duck say:
baby: quack, quack!
mommy: What does a horse say?
baby: Aaaaaaamen!
-----------
mommy: Diamond
baby: Diamond
mommy: doesn't
baby: dudent
mommy: hit
baby: hit
mommy: mommy
baby: Aaaaaamen!
-----------
baby: book!!
baby: booooook!!!
me: please
baby: please
me: read
baby: wead
me: my
baby: my
me: book
baby: book
me: to
baby: to
me: me
baby: Aaaaaamen!

subtle grasp

2009-05-14T09:18:00.006-05:00

Yesterday I finally accomplished my months (perhaps even years) long intention to unearth my copy of Shadow of the Almighty: The Life and Testament of Jim Elliot. As with all things, sovereignty reigns in the timing.

I love this story. It never fails to inspire, encourage and convict me. I am already through several chapters. It feels like going back to a place I once lived. Wandering through the rooms evokes memories of important events, causes reflection on things learned, then new observations appear as I look at old things from a taller perspective and wonder how familiar can look so different. Notes and dates in the margins are like the family gallery in the hall. They take me back through high school, college, the couple years I taught 5th grade. I don't remember how many times I've read this book, but I have no doubt that I will gather much to turn over in my mind and heart these next days.

This passage is the one that has stood out to me the most so far:

"Father, let me be weak that I might loose my clutch on everything temporal. My life, my reputation, my possessions, Lord, let me loose the tension of the grasping hand. Even Father, I would lose the love of fondling. How often I have released a grasp only to retain what I prized by 'harmless' longing, the fondling touch. Rather, open my hand to receive the nail of Calvary, as Christ's was opened - that I, releasing all, might be released, unleashed from all that binds me now. He thought heaven, yea equality with God, not a thing to be clutched at. So let me release my grasp. Fix my heart wholly, Lord, to follow Thee, in no detail to touch what is not mine."

Ever retained a hope that something would be given eventually and so survived on the idea that your decision to go separately for God will eventually be revoked by Him?

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

2009-05-10T19:16:00.006-05:00

my mom around age 5-6

my mom in 10th grade

Although you will likely never see this, know that for all that is behind us and between us that makes me weep, I love you. Thank you for speaking the name of Jesus into my life. Thank you for reminding me so often that God has a plan for my life. I hope that some day you will receive the release to enter into that promise and drink it deep.

re.struct

2009-05-08T14:09:00.005-05:00

[re⋅struct]: (ree-struhkt) v.
To change, alter or restore
the structure of, redesign.
To effect a fundamental change.
To recombine. To redefine.

God. Love. Art. Memories

Some things I've been working on....
One of these days I'll get past the making things for gifts and have enough to sell.
Etsy here I come!

always...

2009-05-07T23:41:00.002-05:00

...someone else says it better

first her

then from him, this:

"Because if we want our faith strengthened, it must be tested. And if it's truth we seek in this life, we must begin with doubt. The Christian faith is unique in that it centers itself upon a God Who revels in both the faith that lives in our hearts and the questions that live in our minds. He challenges us to ask the tough questions and seek their answers, even if some are unsearchable. He knows the great secret: the more we try to prove Him false now, the more we'll prove Him true in the end.

God cannot be proven in a laboratory, but He can in us. We can know He's there, that He's paying attention, and that despite what we think or hear or see, He has something wonderful waiting for us on the horizon. And all He asks in return are three things:

That we hang on.

That we believe.

And that we wonder."

I am tired of hanging on and being strong.

I do believe. I want more for when I don't feel like it.

Wonder is sporatic, my mind is raw with rug burns from rolling around with the tough questions.

just answer the question

2009-05-05T23:02:00.003-05:00

Finish this sentence:

I wish I had______________ so I could_______________.

grand day out

2009-04-28T23:07:00.011-05:00

If I could establish RSS feed from my voice mail to this blog, I could take a sabbatical and drink some lemonade while you were entertained by my lovely friend Leah. Lean in, I'm gonna tell you a secret...(whispering) sometimes, I ignore her call just to see what kind of message she'll leave. Then I save it and forget about it until I wonder why the heck I have 9 saved messages. Then as I scroll thought the songs and descriptions of boys in Fedoras in the car in front of her, I remember why I saved them and why I enjoy her friendship so much. I received the following last Thursday:

"Rachel J.
What do you say?
What the hay did you do today?"

For once in my life I actually spontaneously came up with a relevant, witty rejoinder instead of a shrug, a giggle, and a shake of my red-highlighted head.

Leah, Leah, I declare
I might have been most anywhere
I took a trip into the city
Manhattan's subway isn't pretty
I met some friends
Examined trends
Discussed a painting
Wondered if it would stop raining
Books at the Strand reach 18 miles
Strangers exchange smiles
Under the sign of the Ear
I drank a beer
And ate a burger, talkin' and hopin'
To drive home with both eyes open

here's the pictures to prove it

the Strand bookstore on Broadway: all 18 miles of books

a beautiful church that took up at least a city block in its majesty
I neglected to remember its historical signifigance

I was too busy looking at this sweet little tree

one must return from NYC with at least a few shots of traffic...

...and interesting people

this store: Kate's Paperie thrilled my pea-pickin' little heart
color galore
inspiration
budget buster

I want to make at least one of these

these were delicious
my favorite was $38 yard
what can I say? It's a gift

these were made of paper - I want some in my apartment
maybe I should finish a few other already started projects first
eh, I always say that

my only regret(s)
listening to Gertrude (the bi-polar GPS device)
give me a paper map anyday
not getting any photos of the people I went with/to see
they were/are so lovely
next time ('cause I will definitely go again now that I know all three ways into and off of the island or whatever it is)
the upper west side

my favorite parts:
the gallery and it's artist
being serenaded by every Italian matre'd as we walked through Little Italy at dinner time
dinner at the Ear Inn with two amazing ladies
I also regret not getting a photo of the fish that hung in embalmed state over the kitchen entrance which I sat facing.
He was so old his face had half disintegrated and his tail was wrapped in duct tape, presumably to keep parts and pieces from dropping onto our plates as the servers passed beneath his watchful post. The food was amazing, really.

miles walked: who knows
friendships made and deepened: check
good sites, good food: check
home safely: check

stone soup

2009-04-28T13:18:00.002-05:00

ingredients:

1 plan
dash of change
1 dream
handful imagination
3 cups misplaced identity

simmer on medium low for four hours or until combined

serves 1

ingestion not recommended
indigestion adverted when poured out at the foot of the cross

Psalm 25

when a question (large or small) is thrown into the pot:

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

God answers:

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

book review

2009-04-27T21:09:00.003-05:00

Phantastes: george macdonald

a fairy tale of the polar opposition and yet plural living arrangement of beauty and ugliness
a tale of love sought and surrendered to greater nobility
a treatise of all things lovely
confirmation that, in fact, overuse of commas, does indeed, make for great writing. I knew I was in good company.

favorite exerpts

"I saw thee ne'er before
I see thee never more.
But love, and help, and pain, beautiful one,
have made thee mine
till all my years are done."

Ere long, I learned it was not myself, but only my shadow, that I had lost. I learned that is is better, a thousand-fold, for a proud man to fall and be humbled, than to hold up his head in his pride and fancied innocence. I learned that he that will be a hero, will barely be a man; that he that will be nothing but a doer of his work, is sure of his manhood. In nothing was my ideal lowered, or dimmed, or grown less precious; I only saw it too plainly, to set myself for a moment beside it. Indeed my ideal soon became my life; whereas, formerly, my life had consisted in a vain attempt to behold if not my ideal in myself, at least myself in my ideal. Now, however, I took, at first what was perhaps a mistaken pleasure, in despising and degrading myself. Another self seemes to arise, like a white spirit from a dead man, from the dumb and trampled self of the past. Doubtless, this self must again die and be buried, and again, from its tomb, spring a winged child, but of this my history as yet bears the record. Self will come to life even in the slaying of self, but there is ever something deeper and stonger than it, which will emerge at last from the onknown abyss of the soul: will it be as a solemn gloom, burning with eyes? or a clear morning after the rain? or a smiling child, that finds itself nowhere and everywhere?

...there is no cheating in nature and the simple unsought feelings of the soul.

As in all sweetest music, a tinge of sadness was in every note. Nor do we know how much of pleasures even of life we owe to the intermingled sorrows. Joy cannot unfold the deepest truths, although deepest truth must be deepest joy. Cometh white-robed sorrow, stooping and wan, and flingeth wide the doors she may not enter. Almost we linger with Sorrow for very love.

I sat a long time, unwilling to go, but my unfinished story urged me on. I must act and wander.

...the sound of a closing door, the saddest of all sounds sometimes.

it's official

2009-04-27T18:45:00.002-05:00

i've completely lost it
sanity that is

today while being a faithful employee and tackling the sortage of the winter's worth accumulation of donations housed in our barn that is suspiciously the size of the Lockness Monster, i heard a loud and insistent buzzing rather close to my ear.

i promptly began flailing and spinning in all directions in the intent of avoiding personal contact with what ever insect was approaching my head like the Red Baron.

this is the part where you sigh and shake your head.
it's ok. i did.
i laughed too. that's ok too.
reminders and laughter at a later date...
not so ok.

the buzzing?
oh yea
it was my phone.
vibrating ever so closely to my ear in my shorts pocket.

hey - it's not completely without cause
we have wood bees staking out territory lately
ever seen a wood bee?
they're distant cousins to the Red Baron
a Lockness Monster sized barn offers a lot of wood to chew

how to win undying affection

2009-04-23T01:50:00.004-05:00

posting this video may result in winning the guitar used in its production
said guitar would be handed over to my 14 year old nephew
who would then love me forever
more than he already does
enabling me to cash in on all kinds of favors and service in return
for years to come

no I'm not going to give you the link so you can enter for yourself!
you'll just have to work to figure it out

eye luggage

2009-04-21T22:36:00.007-05:00

latest conversation:
i'm getting crow's feet
sleep might help
maybe some cucumber slices
they won't stay on
i'm too busy laughing at my favorite mis-pronunciation of all time
gnawfork connecticut
most people spell it norfolk

word of the day: context

plans for tomorrow:
travel mugs of coffee from Guatemala
homemade marmalade muffins
road trip
conversation and music with friend of 11 plus years (i think that's a record)
NYC
staten island ferry
art gallery
and whatever else we dream up
maybe a stop at cafe lalo
photos to follow

realization:
i should sleep
i'm going to launch a germ warfare campaign against the stink bugs that keep invading my loft
flushing them is apparantly not effective
this is my third post today (also a record)
here's to multi-tasking to stay sane during tedious tasks

process

2009-04-21T13:01:00.002-05:00

This life, therefore,
is not righteousness but growth in righteousness,
not health but healing
not being but becoming,
not rest but exercise.

We are not yet what we shall be,
but we are growing toward it.
The process is not yet finished but it is going on.
This is not the end but it is the road.
All does not yet gleam in glory
but all is being purified.

- Martin Luther

petition

2009-04-21T11:50:00.001-05:00

Be Near
- Shane Barnard

You are all
big and small
beautiful
and wonderful
to trust in grace through faith
but i'm asking to taste...

for dark is light to You
depths are height to You
far is near
but Lord, i need to hear from You

be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good, our good

Your fullness is mine
revelation divine
but, o, to taste
to know much more than a page
to feel Your embrace...

for dark is light to You
the depths are height to You
far is near, but Lord
i need to hear from You

be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good

just because

2009-04-20T20:15:00.005-05:00

I could...should be doing many other things. For instance calling my mother. It's too embarrassing to mention just how many weeks *cough* it's been. I should be working on my reading and lecture listening for a counseling class I'm taking called Dynamics of Biblical Change. One of the things said class is prompting me to think about is how much time I spend on good things like blogging when I could be doing better things like getting to know God. I should be working out to counteract the adverse effects of all the Girl Scout cookies I've ingested recently. Did I neglect to mention the Girl Scout cookies? People like bringing us cases of them. I should be mapping out directions to the art gallery I get to go see in New York City on Wednesday with my best friend. I should be sleeping so the beginnings of a sore throat that I feel don't spoil that New York romp. But I wanted to write out the following because it is just cute.

I live and work at a residential program for teenage mothers. It's fabulous. It's hard. It makes me cry and laugh sometimes all in the same hour. You parental readers can relate. I don't journal much here because my life is the girl's lives and their lives are frankly not your business. I'm bound by a code of confidentiality that puts Facebook's governing documents to shame. A panel discussion could be arranged to compare levels of vagueness and ambiguousness and other various and sundry details. However, I think I can share this with you without infringing on anyone's personal life but my own.

The last two weeks our resident has been in the hospital and emerged a human pincushion, poor thing. My life and room have been hijacked by her adorable, funny and busy! 20 month old daughter. I have Elmo toys and various books all over my bedroom floor. I have pull-ups and a tiny yellow toothbrush in my bathroom. And there's more of her laundry in my hamper than mine. Tonight she took it one step too far. She's in my bed. Her pink toddler bed has been alongside mine all these nights. Most of them she's stayed in it through the night. Tonight she just ached to fall asleep on my pillows, under my blanket, on my bed. I am a sucker for that "Oh, please I just want to soooooo badly" face that only a 2-3 year old can pull off. So her little self is warmly curled up snoring away in my bed. A few minutes ago I stood just watching her. So sweet. I also told her that in a few hours she's gonna be airlifted back over to her own bed. I just won't fit in a 2 1/2 foot long toddler bed. Anyway her mattress is harder than mine. And it squeaks.

invisible children

2009-04-16T19:07:00.007-05:00

I'm not even sure how to introduce this post. I know Africa is in crisis. I know it houses many orphans in its borders. I had no idea of what happened last Christmas. I don't watch or read much news, but I'm generally exposed to various major media sources and I've seen nothing of this history until today. I know that an evil dictator is kidnapping children and causing them to be soldiers in his rebel army, but I had no idea my generation was speaking out and raising awareness and support to this degree.

Please take the thirty minutes and watch this documentary all the way through. Let it get to your heart. Let it effect your world. Pass this information on to people you know who could take part. Take part in whatever way you can - talk about it, give, go. The April 25th event has groups in Philadelphia, Harrisburg and Pittsburg. Link, post to facebook, embed the video on your sites.....Pray! This movement started with three guys who like to make movies. If we can rally around an effort to recycle or do a can drive for a local food bank, or fill a hundred plastic Easter eggs with candy for a community event, we can do something about these children who are being abused, mutliated and killed.

Mr. Happy

2009-04-11T15:57:00.007-05:00

Mr. Happy
by Seth

Mr. Happy was always happy.
His teeth are always white.
His nose was big.
All those things he liked.
The end.

good redefined

2009-04-10T13:24:00.005-05:00

"Do you understand that, motivated by love alone, your God became your slave in the Upper Room?

Were you grieved by the divine command to Abraham that he slay his only begotton Isaac on Mt. Moriah? Were you relieved when the angel intervened, Abraham's hand was stayed and the sacrifice was not carried out? Have you forgotten that on Good Friday no angel intervened? That sacrifice was carried out, and it was my heart that was broken.

Are you aware that I had to raise jesus from the dead on Easter morning because my love is everlasting? Are you serenely confident that I will raise you too, My adopted child?

Faith means you want God and want to want nothing else."

The Ragamuffin Gospel - Brennan Manning

two sided mirror

2009-04-07T17:42:00.005-05:00

My mood music this evening is the groans, plucks, pops and whistles of hospital machinery and monitors. I sit on a chair too broad to be an easy chair and too narrow to be a couch. It is also too rigid to be comfortable, but it is more forgiving than the stained plastic chairs of yesterday's E.R. My feet are propped on a stereotypical wooden chair that is kept warm by my black down vest across its shoulders. I watch my friend in the bed opposite me and remember. I remember the crippling stomach pain that signals appendicitis. I remember wanting someone to simply fix it and for God's sake to quit poking things inside me to figure it out. I remember the floating euphoria of post-anesthesia dreams. I also remember the vague half-consciousness of blurry faced nurses checking my vitals what seemed like every five minutes. I remember waking up to see someone I knew and so I sit and wait. This waiting just might result in being caught up on my reading and journaling. At present I'm a little sidetracked and basking in the convenience of wifi. I breathe a short prayer of thanks once again for the new laptop. In between interruptions from the nurses I browse blogs which lead to sites for children's authors and illustrators which rekindle memories of my story-loving childhood and inspire my dreams of story-telling post-childhood. Looks like someone is waking up...

quotable

2009-04-03T00:29:00.002-05:00

If our faith is going to be criticized, let it be for the right reasons. Not because we are too emotional but because we are not emotional enough; not because our passions are so powerful but because they are so puny; not because we are too affectionate but because we lack a deep, passionate, uncompromising affection for Jesus Christ.
The Ragamuffin Gospel - Brennan Manning

four days with Jesus

2009-03-29T21:34:00.005-05:00

I don't have to work the weekend this event called Next takes place this year (I've had to work the past three years).

But I found my inner rebel rearing its ugly head whenever anyone asked if I was going. Just because "everyone" was going, I wanted to get stubborn and make my own plan and not go. That'll show 'em. What? I want to stay home and be bored because everyone I would want to hang out with is literally out of state over Memorial Day weekend? Maybe I just secretly wanted sympathy. 'Awww, Rachel can't go." Who knows. I silenced my rebel diva and finally had a chance to register tonight. I also watched the promo video for the first time on my beauteous new ibook that God so generously provided. Rabbit trail: I didn't even seriously pray for a new computer. I griped about the inconveniences of the old decrepit ones I kept alternating between. I wished for one. I suggested to myself that I should begin a budget savings category for one, but I didn't out and out ask God for one. He gave me one anyway. Totally free. Totally new. This time I'm asking. I would like an SLR camera. Please. That's as specific as I can get until further research. But research I will do.

Back to that conference. Four days meeting Jesus all over again. Add to that awesome fellowship with quite a few of my favorite people, throw in some music and some art....what was I thinking? I have no better plan.

You should come. I want all of my favorite people there. I want to get to know new favorite people.

mooching

2009-03-29T21:23:00.002-05:00

Mooching...one of my favorite things to do. Usually results in profound ideas, good food, and comfy places to hang out. This time it results in good reading material. Cause I can't think of anything original to write about.

New blog link to check out: Reverb

worthwhile love

2009-03-19T07:52:00.000-05:00

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell. (C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

impersonations

2009-03-16T22:14:00.004-05:00

The nightly news is disheartening: fire, rape, perversion, dishonor, killing, damage, discontent and leprechauns on the weather map.

bleh.

I'm almost 31. When did that happen?!?!? I feel like it should mean something. (Pause for fit of spastic laughter).

My nephew was 14 Saturday. When I called to offer the proper congratulations, I didn't recognize his voice. He's almost taller than me. Sigh. My niece was 3 today. I forgot to call her.

The last couple days could be classified under "humdinger": noun. informal. - a person, thing, action, or statement of remarkable excellence or effect. Origin: 1885–90. There's a good Colorado word for you. Envision it said by a wizened old rancher in overalls with a hay stalk in his mouth and you'll be set. They were remarkable alright. Excellent? Not so much. They were the kind of days that left behind a bruised heart and pounding head and yet find me saying something stupid like, "I've had better Mondays." or "It's been a long week today." When the truth is I've been acutely aware of every sound, color, smell, and conversation. At the same time, I'm numb and can't find words to explain anything. Especially for the dearly aggravating friends who pose "What are you thinking and feeling right now?" questions to me. For all their attentiveness all they got was, "Uuuuuuh." One of them asked me, "How is your mind? How is your soul?"

My mind: is blank. I'm spent. I'm weary. I'm thinking I can't do this.

My soul: is sad. It hurts. It's been conned, played and lied to and it's angry.

Now that you're stamping your feet in irritation for me to get to the point (yea, right), I'll try.

One of the greatest disadvantages to this job of mine is that I cannot make these young moms get it. I cannot force them to believe - me or God. I cannot save them - from themselves, their past or their future.

All I can do is love them. I love easily and I love hard. It's either all or nothin'. And I am keenly aware that love them is also what I cannot do. For whatever reason Jesus has regenerated this introverted, selfish, cynical, judgmental girl and He loves them through me. I can't help it. I always was a sucker for the bullied kid cowering in the corner of the playground.

Today I said goodbye to a girl who no longer wanted to stay. She coudn't just say so. She had to make a scene, break some rules, blame everyone else and get flat out nasty. Who am I to stop her. Go please. There's the door. Take the nastiness with you. And all the love you've received. And the support. And the care. Cause it's not gonna change. The part about us loving you anyway.

I carried her bags to my car and smelled the stale french fry grease in the air from the Burger King around the corner, cast a wary eye at the cloudy gray day and wondered how long I'd remember that moment. The hour and a half ride from Lancaster county to west Philly passed in silence. We pulled into her street and stepped out into the voices ringing out from around the block welcoming her home. Her family members slowly emerged one by one onto the rickety wooden steps of their piece of porch. I already stood out as the only white girl on the street. I want to cause a bigger scene and go for my best gansta impersonation, effect a pose and yell, "She don't belong here no more. She belongs with me. She ain't got no sense. Yo." I restrained myself and stuck to carrying her bags across the one way street, up the steps, and into the old house. I hadn't wanted to see her world under these circumstances. People came from all directions to carry her life back into the old row home, then retreated to their own porches and front steps. I closed the tape patched stained glass door behind me and sat with her family while the paper work was passed around and half-mocking insults flew. Approximately an hour later I kissed Gramma goodbye, attempted one last seed-planting effort in the stubborn soil of a seventeen year old heart and drove back to farm country. About 10 minutes in the silence was more than I could take and I called for processing time with whatever friend I could find.

To those of you who probed and pried and are yet lurking here. Thank you. I remember days when I was not strong enough to call for help. Now I know that I am not strong enough, and so I do. Thank you for listening, for asking, for hearing me out then gently distracting my aching heart and coaxing out a smile. I feel guilty. I also know I could not go on without you.

cookies aren't the only thing on my mind

2009-03-13T13:29:00.004-05:00

date: 2.27.09
time: Friday Night Watch 7-9pm
location: Lancaster, PA City Gate Prayer Room
lyrics (as best as I could get them) to a prophetic song by Gordon

sometimes I look in my heart
and I don't like what I see
and so I come
looking for your release

and I ask you to come
and I agree with you
'cause it's all yours

sometimes the enemy laughs at me
and looks at the destruction he's caused
he points at what he's done
but you look beyond
and I know it's all yours

I know the day will come
that this earth is gone
I wait for the day when you look at me
when you roll back the clouds
reveal heaven above
then you'll look at your church
say, "come - be by my side"

you tell us it's yours
come make this place your own
it's ours
because of what you've done

evil fat gremlins

2009-03-13T13:07:00.003-05:00

One of the beautiful advantages of living at and working for a non-profit is that I have the privilege of helping myself to the various donations and supplies that people so generously bring.

These are definitely beautiful.

These were waiting for me in the kitchen last night when I came back from my day off.
Sometimes they are waiting by the boxful at our main entrance.
These and many of the other goodies from Panera fill our extra freezer in the basement.
And take up substantial room in the deep-freeze, also in the basement.
If they keep coming they are going to start crowding out the meat in the deep-freeze in the barn.
These are not advantageous.
That is because the evil fat gremlins that reside in them take up residence in my hips when I eat them.
My missionary budget is not going to be able to fix my computer keyboard from the crumbs that are falling into and clogging it while I type.
Oh wait, at some point someone has surely donated some of that aerosol air-in-a-can stuff to blow the dirt out of tiny inconvenient places like a computer keyboard. Help yourself to a cookie while I go look for it. The real trick will be finding the red straw attachment for the nozzle. And getting my hips through the doorway. Oh well, the exercise will be good for me.